By Allen David
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28
The leaders of the Kiwanis Club of San Bernardino, having done their durn-level best to get the word out, just hope that everyone has received—and remembers—that today’s regularly scheduled 12:05 p.m. meeting has been canceled. No reason is given, but c’mon, it’s the holidays. As much as those Kiwanis love to meet—the San Bernardino Club was founded in 1922—they’ve found that it’s just better for all concerned to cancel the meeting after Christmas. Everybody remembers that time Phil N. Derer used the meeting as an excuse to meet his secretary for some reindeer games, which subsequently made life generally more difficult for everybody. Or was that Phil in the Lions? Rotary? Elks? Moose? Hmmm.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29
Bad times are boom times for repo men, the kind and sympathetic guys who show up in the middle of a financial crisis you thought couldn’t get much worse—and immediately make it much, much worse by taking back the car that you’ve been struggling to pay for but unquestionably need if you are ever going to have any chance of getting back on your feet . . . although, they might point out that the ultimate effect of taking your car is to put you back on your feet, in a walking kind of way. See, repo men are not only kind and sympathetic, but funny too! That’s why it is so weird that repo man Adrian Moore isn’t laughing about what just happened today while he quietly tried to repossess a vehicle in Upland—after he got the vehicle hooked up to his tow truck, the vehicle’s three owners confronted him and drove away with his truck . . . and their car! Hahahaha! They wouldn’t listen to Moore at all! Hahahaha! In fact, they were mad at him! Hahahaha! C’mon, that’s funny! It’s the basis of the joke that gives just about all repo men a laugh. Yet Moore somehow can’t see the humor, even though the cops eventually caught the guys and booked them on suspicion of carjacking and conspiracy. “I was in fear for my life,” Moore says. Yeah, Adrian, lots of us know just how you felt.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30
The story of Adrian Moore, the repo’d repo man, actually gets even funnier. Those guys whose car he was going to repossess—who “repossessed” his tow truck instead? He used to work with them at a Pomona collateral-recovery company they formed in 2007. Apparently, Adrian left the company claiming they wouldn’t pay him money they owed him. Moore called it a “one-in-a- million chance” that he would receive orders to repossess two vehicles belonging to his former co-workers. But he took the job anyway. See what I mean about kind and sympathetic and funny repo men?
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31
The perfect end to 2011: an early dinner, the Will Ferrell movie, Everything Must Go, and freakin‘ Carson Daly from Time Square.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 1
What do you do on a New Year’s Day without a parade or bowl games? Nothing, unless your puppy isn’t house trained.
MONDAY, JANUARY 2
Oh yeah, no mail today.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 3
Thoughts turn back to school, where a new law requires that public schools include mention of the historic contributions of homosexual, bisexual and transgender persons. Of course, some people don’t go for teaching truth and lots of them are members of the Republican Party. For example, Assemblyman Tim Donnelly, a Republican from Hesperia, is loudly opposed to the new law. “Our education system in California is failing to produce the results found in the rest of the country,” Donnelly says, sweepingly, incorrectly and moronically. “We’re coming in dead last almost every year. Why put another mandate, especially one that requires us to print new textbooks. It’s a waste of money and it’s pushing a social agenda and indoctrination.” For once, his ignorance sort of leads us to a good idea—that is, if we are going to add another teaching mandate, and if we are going to be printing new textbooks, anyway, why not eliminate an existing mandate that has become pointless and does nothing but push a social agenda and indoctrination? So let’s stop teaching California schoolchildren about the California Republican Party! Tim Donnelly, ring out your underpants, enjoy a spot of lunch and go write that bill!