¡Ask A Mexican!
By Gustavo Arellano
Dear Mexican: This question was inspired by the recent video you did on the Republicanos and the Latina/o vote. What’s your opinion of Cuban-American and Tea Party cariñito Marco Rubio? All this talk about him being the “Hispanic” savior of the Republican Party by being the vice-presidential nominee is getting to me. Are Latina/o voters that ignorant to vote for someone as hypocritical to serious issues that conscious gente care about, like say small businesses, poverty, education, health care . . . híjole, I think I’m forgetting one here . . . oh yeah: IMMIGRATION! This guy is just a vendido that has dollar signs lightening up his cara de tonto. Should progressive Latina/os be concerned about this pretty boy? Estoy precupado, and I can’t enjoy my café con pan tostado in the morning with this guy getting closer to the White House.
—Bothered in Boyle Heights
Dear Wab: Are you kidding me? Conscious Xicanos like you and I should be THRILLED at the prospect of Rubio running as the VP on the GOP presidential ticket! Such a move will prove once and por siempre that the Republicans only care about Latino as tokens. How else can you explain the rapid ascendancy of Rubio, a no-name Florida state representative until Tea Partiers embraced him in 2010 during his U.S. Senate run so no one could accuse them of being anti-Latino? He’s yet to do anything of any substance in Washington other than read talking points about liberty this and chinga Obama that; if a Reep presidential candidate chose Rubio, it’d obviously only be to not only shield themselves from anti-Latino accusations (look: we have a brownie!), but to also use the anti-amnesty, anti-DREAM Act coño hypocrite to act as their attack dog against charges of racism (our policies aren’t racist because our brownie says so!). Rubio reminds me of PRI presidential candidate Enrique Peña Nieto: both are pretty boys with caca-eating grins and intellects the size of a black bean who are embarrassments to their proud people, but darlings of the 1 percent. Mexi voters will see through the GOP’s pendejo and vote for the only presidential candidate that truly has our interests in mind: Alfred E. Neuman.
I travelled to Juarez to see the Real Mexico, and, boy, was I disappointed. Not a single man in white pajamas with his donkey leaning against a cactus. No women with a basket of fruit on their head. To show how I loved their culture I mentioned Speedy Gonzales and the Frito Bandito, but people looked at me funny. No one accosted me on the street with “Hey Meestair, for ten bucks you can fuck my mother; she’s a virgin.” Where do I go for a taste of the Real Mexico?
—Donkey Show Devotee
Dear Gabacho: Try the minds of Hollywood executives.
PREORDER TACO USA! Gentle cabrones: My much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America, will finally hit bookstores April 10, but that doesn’t mean you can’t already order it (yes, grammar snobs: I just used a double-negative, but Mexican Spanish loves double-negatives the way we do cute second cousins). Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it: my libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies! And stay tuned for book signing info!
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