Final Word

By Jeff Girod

Posted March 8, 2012 in News
Did you feel it, America? The breathless anticipation leading up to Super Tuesday? Voters cast ballots across 10 states this week—the closest thing we have to a national primary. It was all I could do to stop myself from playing naked in the street.

Super Tuesday was supposed to settle a lot of questions in the battle for Republican presidential nominee: Would voters prefer Mitt Romney, a man with a reported net worth of $200 million, who once said “Corporations are people,” referred to himself as middle class and told unemployed voters in Florida that (get ready to guffaw) he was unemployed, too.

Or on Super Tuesday would Republican voters prefer the thoughtful, Christian values of Rick Santorum, who has called contraception “a license to do things,” and compared same-sex marriage to trees, basketballs, beer, paper towels, dogs, his seven kids, his brother and his mother-in-law?

One thing’s for certain: Sooner or later, Republicans have to pick somebody. (It’s true. I Googled it.)

And it’s not like the other guy, President Obama, should just be handed another four years. This country has seen better days. (Though they’re getting harder to remember. I seem to recall wearing acid wash and listening to Roxette.)

Four years of inaction, stagnation, repression and depression, and these are who the Republicans want for president? Don’t forget Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann and Ron Paul. I wouldn’t let these knuckleheads sell me batteries, let alone run 50 states.

Face it, America. We’re screwed—for another four years any way. Every Republican debate seems like a game show titled Who’s Dumber? Our only hope is that Obama starts working on his legacy as much as his jump shot.

In the meantime, I wonder why it’s so hard to find one candidate who isn’t corrupt or insane, who will step up to a podium and deliver a speech we all desperately want to hear:

“Good evening and thanks for coming. I still haven’t decided if I’m running as a Republican or a Democrat. I figure I’ll wait to see which party has the weirdest candidates, and then run on the simple platform that I’m not weird.”

“I have no idea why we’re still talking about religion, abortion and contraception in 2012. We held marches for all this stuff five to 50 decades ago. Also, I was too young to serve in Vietnam, though I did prefer Full Metal Jacket to Platoon. May Cowboy rest in peace.”

“As for gay marriage, right now it’s legal in six states, which is more than 10 percent of the country. All I can say to the gay population is, ‘Be patient.’ Haters gonna hate. It looks like gay marriage will be legal in California any day. And really, if you’re a gay couple living in North Dakota, you’d be happier in Palm Springs anyway.”

“As for taxes, I can’t promise I won’t tax everybody, but we’ll start with Mitt Romney and see if the economy improves. Also, if I see one more picture of Paris Hilton diving off a 100-foot yacht in St. Tropez, I will immediately sentence her to work the drive-thru at Weinerschnitzel.”

“Maybe we’ll have to drill for oil in the wetlands. Maybe we won’t. I don’t have all the answers yet. I love furry woodland creatures, too. But I will whittle the ears off of Thumper before I let gas hit six bucks a gallon.

“I’ll tell you this: We’ll stop going to war—unless Iran or North Korea completely loses their shit. Then we’ll just the bomb the crap out of them really, really fast, because I can’t take another Toby Keith tribute song.”

“Other than that: Jobs, spending money on people instead of Wall Street bailouts, and taking a long, hard look at career politicians—because nobody needs another bony Crypt-keeper like Nancy Pelosi in office.”

“Other topics are important, too. But let’s get everyone employed first and make sure we all keep our homes. We’ll stop arguing like children, focus on the big stuff and fix our broken country.”

“Oh, and on my first day as president, Rush Limbaugh will be sent on a mission to Mars—by helicopter.

“Don’t forget to vote!”

Contact Jeff Girod at



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