Final Word

By Jeff Girod

Posted April 19, 2012 in News
Everybody relax! Crawl out from under that table. North Korea—for the moment—remains incapable of attacking the United States.

North Korea also can’t attack any other part of the world including South Korea or anything remotely outside of its borders—dolphins, sea horses and what appear to be North Koreans boogie boarders 20 feet offshore.

Yes, despite a “military-first” philosophy, a 1.2-million-man army and boastful threats against every country and their momma, North Korea failed to launch a satellite into orbit again last week. That’s the fourth failed launch in 15 years and no successful launches ever. And if North Korea can’t launch a satellite into orbit, they sure as heck can’t fire long-range missiles at us freedom-loving, cheeseburger-eating Americans.

The United States put three guys on the moon in 1969. North Korea still can’t launch a warhead out of eyesight. Not one missile. That’s the same amount of missiles you and I have ever launched. (And I’ll be honest. I haven’t tried that hard at anything since 11th grade).

Not that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un intends to stop trying . . .

“Superiority in military technology is no longer monopolized by imperialists, and the era of enemies using atomic bombs to threaten and blackmail us is forever over,” Kim Jong-Un said.

Big words from a guy who launched a rocket as far as I can throw a tennis ball. Also, the benefit of a tennis ball is I can pick it up and throw it again for less than $850 million—or play tennis.

You and I could invent our own crazy-assed country tomorrow, get really awful Three Stooges haircuts, dress like a combination of Spock from Star Trek and a color blind Ellen DeGeneres, start a nuclear-testing program and be just as far along as North Korea.

And what’s going to happen if North Korea ever does successfully launch a missile that doesn’t crash into the ocean or explode on top of their 50-cent haircuts?

What if the missile just flies away to who knows where and the North Koreans are left standing on a sea shore celebrating in their beige UPS jumpsuits? Then someone has the startling revelation, “We just launched our most successful invention into the sky and blew it up! Quick, steal a pencil from China so we can write some of this down!”

Then 40 years from now, when North Korea remembers how they built the last missile—and just for argument’s sake, let’s say the rest of the world’s defense systems haven’t advanced relative to the year 2052 but instead revert to something resembling Gilligan’s Island with two coconuts and a bamboo bicycle—what do you think will happen to North Korea if they “attack” the United States armed with one measly missile? That fight will be over faster than you can say “Pyongyang.”

I wonder what it must be like to be obsessed with something you have no chance of ever accomplishing—kind of like Madonna’s acting career, Kelly Clarkson’s diet or Ron Paul’s presidential campaign.

I wonder if Kim Jong-Un realizes how little we worry about North Korea. I am literally more concerned about getting hit by an asteroid than anything falling from the sky with a North Korean flag on it. That’s how little faith I have in North Korea’s rocket science: I am more confident that my life will be snuffed out by Haley’s Comet.

I don’t care about North Korea. They have no music. They have no cuisine. They have no culture. I know all this for a fact because music, food and culture require an electrical outlet.

North Korea’s government has completely oppressed, imprisoned and impoverished millions of its own citizens for generations. Since the 1990s, more than 1 million North Koreans have died of starvation, according to Amnesty International.

And for what? Some outlandish Boris and Natasha threats to blow us all up with a missile that would get here faster if they mailed it? (North Korea would probably lose the stamps.)

Look, North Korea, if you want to be the bad guy, at least be a convincing one. Rent a James Bond VHS tape. Or better yet, do something that will really terrify the United States . . .

Fix your country and start beating us economically like South Korea.

Contact Jeff Girod at


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