¡Ask A Mexican!
By Gustavo Arellano
Dear Mexican: I was wondering why Mexicans in Chicago are meaner than Mexicans in California. I love my Mexican brothers and sisters in California (I’m from Cali) but they are the biggest pendejos in Chicago! Does cold weather make Mexicans pissed-off? And why do Mexican women like to ram white girls with their shopping carts?
—Pinche Caliente Gabacha
Dear Fucking Hot-Ass Gabacha: Mexicans in Chicago are mean? In my many visits to the Windy Ciudad (which has had the second-largest population of Mexicans of any city in the United States since at least the 1970s) I’ve found them to be a wonderful, hospitable raza, with their only real vice being they’re far too nice to that authenticista pendejo, Rick Bayless. As for the cart ramming: Be glad it’s not your car.
I’m a 25-year-old Asian girl that started seeing a 29-year-old Mexican guy about five months ago. This is my first relationship with a Mexican. I was told that Mexican men are possessive, overbearing and cheat on their women by my white girlfriends. Since I have met him, he has slowly become more possessive of me and demands more and more of my time. My Mexican boyfriend also buys me a lot of expensive things to make me happy when I am mad at him. My usual white boyfriends rarely did this. I actually met my Mexican boyfriend while he was dating his “ex-girlfriend” of two years. He cheated on her once before, and broke up with her to be with me. (His ex is Mexican, too). However, when he introduces me to his friends, he never introduces me as his girlfriend. What gives? Is he already cheating on me? Should I end the relationship now before it gets too loco?
—La China Caliente
Dear Hot Chinita: My dating-an-Asian story: cute Vietnamese chick. My parents loved her; her parents hated me because I was Mexican. She left me for another Mexican after rejecting her offer of an open relationship. But that sordid experience doesn’t make me write off chinitas for good, so just because your gabacha pals had bad experiences with Mexis doesn’t mean you should dismiss all hombres. As I’ve written in this columna before, the stereotype of Mexican men as lotharios is true only to a certain point and diminishes with assimilation. Besides, your situation seems fine. Can’t remark on him not introducing you as your girlfriend—but you just whined that he’s becoming too possessive of you, so maybe he doesn’t want to push it. Buying expensive things for you obviously works, as you’re still with him. Seems to me you’re just spoiled—but I’m not going to attribute it to you being chinita, because stereotypes are silly; I’m going to attribute it to your apapachada ass.
I feel crushed by a comment that was made to me as a form of compliment by a Tejana caliente that I was recently dating. I met this hot blonde at an AA meeting to which I had been sentenced to attend after a DWI arrest. Recently, we were chingando duro estilo perrito, when she turned around in passion and told me in her Texas twang “You shoooore do have a biiiig dick—for a Mexican.” Well, at first I felt like a real Mexican stud, but when I thought about what she said, I lost my erection and have not been able to get it back. I felt insulted and confused by her racist comment. I now have to resort to Viagra whenever I have sex with my gabacha. Should I let this bother me and how can I confront her politely about her racist remark?
—El Burrito Ablandado
Dear Softened Burrito: Want to teach her a lesson? Get her pregnant.