The Rundown

By Allen David

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Posted May 3, 2012 in News

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25

San Bernardino Supervisor Neil “The Bully” Derry casts the only vote for his proposal to require restaurants to inform customers whether the establishment does immigration background checks on its employees. The plan would have color-coded the A, B and C grade cards that restaurants receive and must display after annual health inspections. Three supervisors vote against Neil “The Miscalculator” Derry’s proposal and one abstains. “I am disappointed that my colleagues ignored the health of the public and endorsed the stealing of American jobs by illegal workers during this devastating recession,” Neil “Holier Than Thou” Derry says in a statement after the vote. Meanwhile, Neil “Bad Apple” Derry’s very presence on the Board of Supervisors continues to be a disappointment—not to mention an embarrassment—to anyone who values clean government and personal integrity. Neil “The Laundryman” Derry is currently on three years of probation related to a plea deal he accepted last year on political corruption charges that he laundered a campaign contribution. Neil “The Lying Sack of Chits” Derry’s relationship with the truth is so sketchy that he accepted a deal—pleading guilty to a misdemeanor so as to make two felony charges go away—then immediately and proudly announced the guilty plea was a lie.

 

THURSDAY, APRIL 26

Beaumont police officer Enoch “I’s Against Drunken Driving” Clark is at the Riverside County Hall of Justice on four felony charges after prosecutors say he permanently blinded a woman with pepper spray on Feb. 21 during a drunken driving investigation. Enoch “I’m A Pepper” Clark allegedly used a pepper-spray gun about 10 inches from the face of Monique Christina Hernandez, 32, of Beaumont, when she resisted being handcuffed during an investigation that did not ultimately result in a drunken-driving arrest. Clark’s weapon, called a JPX device, uses gunpowder to propel pepper spray at speeds of more than 400 mph. It is supposed to be used at a minimum distance of five feet, and optimally between six and 16 feet. Clark is charged with four felonies: assault with a less-lethal weapon; use of force causing serious bodily injury; assault with force likely to cause great bodily injury and assault under the color of authority. After pleading not guilty to all charges and posting $50,000 bail, Enoch “I’s Gettin‘ Paid” Clark continued on administrative leave.

 

FRIDAY APRIL 27

Angels first baseman Albert Pujols does not hit a home run.

 

SATURDAY, APRIL 28

A 3.8 magnitude earthquake centered a few miles from Crestline shakes people awake at about 8 a.m., and some of them describe the experience on Earthquake-Report.com: From Crestline: It felt like an Angel was shaking the house. The earthquake didn’t give off a deadly feeling, but rather a stable yet calm shake. From Upland: Enough to wake me up, but not enough to get out of bed for. From Pomona: Felt the headboard on my bed shake. I did get a little scared, of course. From Hesperia: While sitting on toilet I started yelling at the kids because I thought they were destroying house when I realized kids couldn’t possibly make the whole bathroom shake for 3 secs!!!

 

SUNDAY, APRIL 29

Angels first baseman Albert Pujols does not hit a home run.

 

MONDAY, APRIL 30

Angels first baseman Albert Pujols does not hit a home run, making him 0-for-April.

 

TUESDAY, MAY 1

Richard “The Conservative” Grenell, the spokesman for presumed Republican Party presidential nominee Mitt Romney on national security issues, who is so conservative that has been a spokesman for Rancho Cucamonga developer Jeff Burum, who is so conservative that he has worked with neoconservative former United Nations Ambassador John Bolton, resigns from Romney’s campaign after critics questioned his conservatism . . . because he is gay. “I have decided to resign from the Romney campaign . . .” Richard “The Right Stuff” Grenell said. “. . . (because) my ability to speak clearly and forcefully on the issues has been greatly diminished by the hyper-partisan discussion of personal issues that sometimes comes from a presidential campaign. I want to thank Governor Romney for his belief in me and my abilities and his clear message to me that being openly gay was a non-issue for him and his team.” After Richard “The Right Man For The Job” Grenell was hired about a week ago, a series of critics suggested Grenell’s sexuality would hurt Romney’s attempts to court the religious wing of the Republican Party.

 


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