¡Ask A Mexican!
By Gustavo Arellano
—Raider of the Lost Chonis
Why doesn’t Mexico’s president demand that all nations and/or entities return stolen artifacts taken from Mexico and its indigenous people? If the Jews got their stolen goods back taken during World War II, Mexico the country should be able to get its culture back! That’s just not art but a way of life—life of the indigenous!
Dear Wabs: While I like the thinking of ustedes (save for El Mexiking’s Jewish example—the Nazis stole from specific individuals whose descendants could provide proof of ownership, usually via paperwork, and thus had a legal case), I’m afraid we don’t have much ground to stand on. Although the 1970 UNESCO Convention on the Means of Prohibiting and Preventing the Illicit Import, Export and Transfer of Ownership of Cultural Property protects newly found artifacts from tomb raiders and the black market, it doesn’t apply retroactively to artifacts looted during the days of empire, especially when said empire no longer exists. You could conceivably build a case if, say, a bona fide descendant of Nezahualcoyotl could show that his family’s treasures were looted, but all Mexico and other nations whose cultural treasures were looted centuries have going for is appeals to sympathy—and since when has Spain ever given a shit about Mexico? Same thing goes for the gold that Raider speaks of: Spain lost that gold long ago, so good luck getting that back. Mexico could conceivably ask for reparations for the damage Spain caused to its former colony—but there’s that legal nopal again. Mexico didn’t exist as a political entity until declaring its independence from Spain, so all we can do to get back at our former oppressors is beat them in soccer—yeah, I laughed bitterly when I read that, too.
My question is something I think is unique to the Mexican male population that I haven’t seen back East: Why do Mexican men wear pants so tight you can see every inch (or lack of) of what God gave them? I assume they’re straight. But I have gay friends that don’t wear their pants so tight that they have to lie down to put them on. Is it a macho thing? Is it to impress the ladies or men? Doesn’t the seam up your butt and lack of circulation in the front get uncomfortable? How can you adjust yourself when your pants are so tight?
—Mariposa de Nueva Jersey
Dear New Jersey Gay Guy: You obviously haven’t been to Brooklyn in a while, eh? And not the Mexican part, but rather the gentrified areas, where hipsters wear jeans tighter than the face of Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto’s telenovela wife. In regards to actual hombres: the traditional Mexican man (as opposed to his cholo nephews) will never wear baggy pants, or even loose pants. We’re a working class, and loose pants can get caught in machinery and generally get in the way of our jale, something blue-collar gabachos know well. If hipsters want to wear pants like Mexicans, we welcome them—but if ustedes try to appropriate Stetsons, cinto piteado and boots as well, prepare for a culo-kicking.
MEXICAN PROPHECY OF THE WEEK! “What the Mexicans could not win with their rifles, they are going to win with their peckers.” Heard it from one of ustedes—and ain’t that the truth!