By Jeff Girod
And now we have our answer: Like Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible, Katie Holmes has been quietly plotting her escape, waiting for one of the drawbridges of Cruise’s Scientology castle to self-destruct.
Holmes filed to divorce Cruise last week and, according to US Weekly, has secretly rented her own New York residence while she seeks sole custody of the couple’s 6-year-old daughter, Suri.
“I would hope that it’s not a contentious matter,” Tom Cruise’s lawyer, Bert Fields, told the Los Angeles Times. “I know Tom is not a particularly contentious person.”
Contentious? Tom Cruise? No way.
Creepy, maniacal, egocentric, insecure, litigious, controlling, vindictive, judgmental and deluded? Oh God, yes. Tom Cruise fits all of these descriptions rolled into a hopping five-foot leprechaun.
But contentious? I wouldn’t call Cruise contentious at all—unless you consider locking Katie Holmes in a dungeon for the last five years, limiting her access to family, friends and media, forcing her to procreate, cramming her head full of dangerous pseudo-religious malarkey, then terrifying Katie into fleeing across state lines with her child like a Lifetime Channel movie . . . which I might add, is the most interesting and believable role Katie Holmes has ever starred in and the first serious Tom Cruise drama I might actually watch since War of the Worlds.
I wonder who they’ll get to portray Holmes and Cruise in the movie version of this divorce/custody battle. I’m envisioning Katie playing Katie (let’s face it, she needs the work now) and Cruise played by former Olympic gymnast Kerri Strug. (Kerri’s a little tall, but she can stoop.)
This would be the third divorce for Cruise, who was previously married to actresses Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman. What’s more interesting is that Cruise separated from all three actresses when they were 33 years old.
Maybe that’s exactly how long it takes for brainwashing pills to wear off. Or maybe when a woman reaches 33 years old, she wakes up one morning and realizes she doesn’t want to stay married to someone she could literally toss down her driveway.
I don’t know much about Scientology but I know this: Whatever religion or philosophy you choose, it should provide fulfillment, not a sense of paranoia that turns your family into the witness-protected cast of Goodfellas.
“When she met [Cruise], she stopped seeing all her friends and being the normal girl that she was before,” a source close to Holmes told E! News.
Ever since Katie married Tom, she has seemingly disappeared. For an actress who is supposed to be in the public eye, I’ve seen more photos of Big Foot saddling the Loch Ness Monster.
On some level, you have to sympathize with Cruise. Because despite the fact that’s he’s wealthy, famous and apparently a warlock incapable of aging, he’s afraid of anybody talking about him.
Maybe he has some deep dark secret he doesn’t want revealed: Perhaps he’s gay, bald, crazy, a woman, a werewolf, a vampire, a singing purple dinosaur or 100 tiny little Tom Cruises wearing a slightly larger Tom Cruise jumpsuit.
Whatever it is, it makes you wonder why celebrities such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Lindsay Lohan, who seemingly have everything—or at least way more than you and I have—can’t find happiness.
Never mind acceptance or an Academy Award, most of my earthly desires revolve around a nap and hot pastrami. But what I have over Cruise is that I’m not a universally shunned weirdo who hops all over Oprah’s couch trying to prove how happy I am and—added bonus—I’m tall enough to go on rides at Magic Mountain.
Tom Cruise has been a movie star for three decades and has appeared in at least a half-dozen movies I sort of don’t hate. That should be enough to take his millions and find one woman, man or sheep and just chill the hell out.
But hey, what do I know? My wife is only 32 and I don’t pray to space aliens.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.