Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted August 23, 2012 in News
Taylor Swift’s new album, Red, is due out Oct. 22 and it’s all about the singer’s “tumultuous, crazy, insane, intense, semi-toxic relationships,” according to Swift’s diary which I stole.

Big surprise.

Swift has previously written songs about ex-boyfriends Joe Jonas (Forever and Always and Last Kiss), Cory Monteith (Mine), Taylor Lautner (Back to December) and John Mayer (Dear John and the Story of Us), says Radaronline.com.

Swift’s latest single is called “We Are Never Ever Going to Get Back Together.” Taylor isn’t saying which ex-beau this one’s about, but judging by the title, I’m guessing things didn’t end well (unless Taylor was dating her conjoined twin and the purpose was to surgically separate them).

A lyrical sampling:

I used to think, that we/Were forever ever ever/And I used to say never say never.”

Huh, he calls me up/And he’s like, I still love you/And I’m like, I mean, I mean this is exhausting, you know.”

We are never getting back together, like ever.”

Taylor’s lyrics are admittedly simple. Face it, she’s no Bob Dylan. Or Jakob Dylan. Or even Marty Dylan. (Marty’s not a songwriter. He’s just a kid I knew in junior high who licked the chalkboard erasers.)

Though Taylor has dated a Jake. And a John. And a Jonas. That’s smart, Taylor. Stick to short names and alliteration.

Jake, snake, fake, take—John, gone, pawn, lawn. These breakup songs practically write themselves. Just avoid last names. Because it’s impossible to rhyme “Gyllenhall.”

And, Taylor, when selecting a restaurant for your “breakup session,” pick a place you can easily riff on. Not like Ruby Tuesdays or, God forbid, the International House of Pancakes, which have far too many syllables to work into what we musical insiders call a “hook.”

The moment there’s even the slightest hint of things breaking bad for Taylor, she probably starts feverishly taking notes—which has to make even the toughest Jonas brother nervous: “Uh, Tay-Tay, why are you writing down everything I say on a napkin? And how come every time we fight and it’s your turn to speak, you have a microphone and three choreographed backup dancers?”

I can’t tell if Taylor Swift is dying a little with every breakup song she writes or if she’s just dying for new material. Did she really think it was going to work out with John Mayer? C’mon, really?

Mayer has reportedly dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, Minka Kelly, Kim Kardashian, Renée Zellweger and, just recently, Katy Perry. Never mind going out together, Taylor Swift should be grateful John Mayer could even stand after “dating” that gravy train.

I’m surprised his crotch didn’t explode into a fiery blue gas. (Although “gas” is another word that’s easy to rhyme: Pass, lass, ass, grass. Hello, Country Music Awards!)

If I were single and famous, I couldn’t wait to date Taylor Swift. And I’d do it with every intention of breaking her heart with the laser-like destruction of 10 John Mayers.

Sure, who wouldn’t want a song written about them? Even an “I-hate-you” song. It’s way better than a personalized mug or belt buckle.

Unless you marry the first person you meet or even if most of your romantic relationships are doomed to fail. But don’t despair, little snowflake. Failing’s good.

Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with the girl in headgear you took to 8th grade homecoming? Or how about the guy in satin pantaloons you made out with at the Renaissance Faire?

Dating is half the fun. Wait. Let me rephrase that: Dating is all of the fun.

Because even after you find that special someone you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you still have to go through with it. Then try to enjoy spending the next 40-60 years waking up next to the same bad breath and scratchy toes.

Falling in love is like buying a new car. Savor the “new car” smell as long as you can. And don’t remain permanently bitter if occasionally the person you’re with wants to trade you in for a cherry red, topless Miata.

Miata—another word Taylor should avoid rhyming.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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