Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted August 30, 2012 in News
Avert your eyes or you might get hit with a penis! That’s according to the Parents Television Council (PTC), which released a new study tracking the amount of nudity on prime time television during the 2011-2012 season.

The PTC uncovered a bulging 76 incidents of flappin‘-in-the-wind, full-frontal nudity on 37 TV shows, 70 percent of which aired before 9 p.m. What’s even more arousing: There were 64 instances of full frontal nudity this season—up 6,300 percent from last year.

The PTC cited several examples of nudey business, including ABC’s Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23, in which “Chloe sits on the kitchen counter . . . her breasts, buttocks and genitals… pixilated.” On NBC’s The Office, during a party “Robert jumps into the pool . . . his genitals blurred . . . does the backstroke and his genitals are blurred out.” And on America’s Got Talent, “Howie is nude with his genitals blurred out . . . Nick is uncomfortable and stares away.”

Talk about must-see TV! Or is it?

“The impact is virtually the same as actually showing it,” said a very non-pixilated Melissa Henson, director of communications for the PTC. “Just as ‘bleeping’ an ‘f-word’ or ‘s-word’ is virtually the same as airing the actual word.”

No it’s “bleeping” not, Melissa. It’s not the same thing. And people who say “f-word” or “s-word” instead of actually swearing like grownups, Melissa? They’re fucking shitheads.

Seriously, Melissa, why are you and the PTC so afraid of nudity? Look down and open your underpants. Go ahead. I’ll wait . . .

See? It’s a vagina, not a fire-breathing, baby-murdering, freedom-hating, soul-sucking water dragon. (Actually, if you see a soul-sucking water dragon in your underpants, call a doctor—or the circus.)

What’s the big deal if there’s a TV scene, or 64, of nudity on network television? Do people even still watch network TV?

The reason my monthly satellite bill is more than I spend on vegetables is so I can purposely ignore NBC, CBS, ABC and Fox. I’d rather watch my other 700 channels with swearing, nudity and gratuitous violence—the way our forefathers and my higher power intended.

You know why they’ve started showing nudity on TV? Because it’s interesting. And when nudity is pixilated? Believe it or not, it’s even more interesting. And, yes, it’s funny.

Sure, we know the actors aren’t really naked behind the pixilation. They’re probably just wearing a peach-colored leotard or rigged up with a complicated system of pasties, chicken wire and duct tape—which, in itself, would be the most interesting TV show in the last decade on NBC.

As viewers, we just like the idea that somebody might be naked, or will be naked or is even thinking about being naked. It’s the reason we linger whenever we see a sunbather or even a jogger. And why, Melissa, would you and your no-fun organization want to snatch all that away from us?

Who’s job is it anyway at the PTC to sit in front of TVs all day and count how many times some actor flashes their hoo-ha? You can tell me you’re uptight and offended by it, but really when I see a pixilated hoo-ha on TV, I laugh or I go “ooh,” then I pull up my own pants and get on with my day.

What I don’t do is obsess over hoo-has, type press releases about hoo-has, paint signs about hoo-has, go on TV and berate hoo-has or forgo pursuing any meaningful profession and instead commit my life’s work to turning over every stone, shaking every bush and crawling into every deep, dark sticky crevasse searching for hoo-has like it’s a pirate’s buried treasure (Some might call it “booty”).

Seriously, Melissa, if you’re so offended by frontal nudity, don’t take a job where your entire life revolves around looking for frontal nudity. Because, yes, at that point, you and the PTC will be convinced that “lovin‘ ovens” and “panty lettuce” are taking over the world.

The worst atrocities in this world were committed by people wearing braided belts and pleats: Hitler, Stalin, Rick Astley. What we need is a few less shirts and trousers, and a few more nakey folks leading with their belly buttons.

Put the “show” back in TV show.

That’s an “s-word” even Melissa is allowed to say.

Contact Jeff Girod atfinalword@ieweekly.com.


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