Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted September 20, 2012 in News
God save the boobies! Future Queen of England Kate Middleton has been getting a lot tabloid press lately—and not the kind where she ranks her five favorite marmalades.

At least three publications in three countries have published semi-naked photos of Kate Middleton, including Chi, an Italian magazine that earlier this week released 26 pages of Middleton’s royal rubies while she sunbathed topless on the balcony of a French villa.

Then again, I’ve seen clearer pictures of Big Foot and the second shooter on the grassy knoll. The semi-naked photos were reportedly taken with a high-powered lens from a half a mile away, but they might as well have been taken from outer space. I haven’t strained this hard to see breasts since 1985, when I was 12, and tried unscrambling my parent’s cable TV.

Should Kate Middleton and her husband, Prince William, be able to sunbathe in private? Yes, definitely. Nobody more desperately needs a suntan than those two pasty, funny talking ghosts.

But as the future King and Queen of England, maybe the royal couple should do their best to keep their tumbly bums inside their knickers. What say you, Gov’nuh?

“Their Royal Highnesses had every expectation of privacy in the remote house,” said the royal couple in a royal statement after feeling they got royally screwed. “It is unthinkable that anyone should take such photographs, let alone publish them.”

I’ll tell you what’s unthinkable: That Kate Middleton believed she could go outside in little more than a thong. I’m not even king of my Neighborhood Watch, and I’ve never been nude outdoors. Forget being topless, Kate Middleton should just assume there’s a photographer waiting for her to bend over fully clothed and pick up a pencil.

You could make an entire career out of photographing Kate Middleton. You could slack off your entire life and screw around from kindergarten through 12th grade. Then invest about $2,000 in camera equipment, hide in a tree near a French villa, snap some nudey Polaroids and BOOM! You’re richer than every honor student I ever hated.

Is invading somebody’s privacy the right thing to do? Of course not. Did I look at every naked photo? You bet.

I’ll look at anything nude, embarrassing or salacious. I’m not even 100-percent certain what “salacious” means. I just know whenever I see the word “salacious” and I click on a link, it means I’m going to see somebody famous getting out of a car with no underwear on, smashing a sports car into a mailbox or puking into a Dumpster.

Kate Middleton seems like a really nice person and I’m basing that entirely on the fact that she’s hot and smiles a lot. And if I were a future monarch with no real responsibilities other than waving, I’d smile, too.

I’m trying my darndest to be sympathetic. But, you know what? Screw Kate Middleton and every other wealthy celebrity. The next 60-70 years of Kate Middleton’s life are going to be nothing but pampered luxury replete with palaces, carriage rides and trumpet-blowing Beefeaters. She could use a little adversity.

This is the most attractive Kate Middleton is ever going to get and now, thanks to a few trashy European tabloids, she’ll have a nice keepsake of her sexy French vacation. Maybe she can keep it on the royal coffee table for when the Queen Mum comes for a visit across the moat.

You and I have more problems during a Monday morning commute than most of these pampered cream puffs encounter during their entire doughy lives. While you’re humping it—getting up early; going to bed late; getting your kids ready; getting yelled at by your boss, by your spouse, by the barista, by your dog, by everyone and everything—celebrities have an entire multitude of assistants, trainers, dietitians, cooks, maids, nannies, chauffeurs and body guards to take care of their every diddly damn desire.

And the only trade-off is occasionally we get to see one naked.

Did Kate Middleton deserve all of this? Probably not.

Let’s just consider it payback for every other royal inbred ne’er-do-well, D-list celebrity and fallen reality star.

And just be glad it wasn’t Prince Charles who was topless.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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