By Jeff Girod
Embrace the iPhone rainbow of awesomeness: It’s 18 percent thinner than before! It’s 20 percent lighter! Those geniuses at Apple won’t stop until everyone who even thinks about touching a new iPhone is immediately launched into outer space.
If you want to dial a new iPhone 5, you’re going to have to shrink down to the size of pecan and yell into a thimble. What’s that? I can’t hear you. Because the new iPhone is so light and thin that it actually just evaporated.
What else does the new iPhone 5 have? It’s got LTE! I have no idea what LTE is but it’s in a commercial every 5 seconds so LTE must be important! The iPhone 5 also has faster frame rates! Longer battery life! It will pet your dog, firm your buttocks and tickle your grandma!
Oh how did we ever live before the iPhone 5? How did we ever communicate? The iPhone 5 is just so much better than everything anyone has ever said or thought or dreamed. How could we all have been so blind and stupid? I am literally embarrassed to say I ever opened my mouth to talk before now.
But not everything is hunky-dory in the land of blue jeans and mock turtleneck sweaters.
The iPhone 5 was released just last Friday and already there have been complaints. Many customers who stood in line for hours have discovered unsightly nicks and scratches on their iPhone 5’s—right out of the box! (Those must be some prickly boxes.)
Also, Apple’s new turn-by-turn navigation and maps stink, because apparently the iPhone 5 thinks there’s actually a river in Riverside and the 91 Freeway has 91 lanes.
Now sure, whenever you buy something new, you want it to look shiny. You want it to work perfectly. You want it to magically fix everything in your broken imperfect life.
But c’mon. Pause a second and take a look at all of your stuff. Or better yet, look at all of my crap. It’s got more scratches on it than the lid of Harry Houdini’s coffin.
New things get old. Fast. And old things get dumped on a curb with a “Free” sign, along with your worn out underpants, Reebok Pumps and Peter Cetera tapes. And it won’t be long until you’re using your precious little iPhone as everything from a beer coaster to an ironic accessory as part of a “Remember the 2012s?” Halloween costume.
It’s called the iPhone 5, which means there were at least four iPhones before it, dating all the way back to a far away mystical land called 2007. Sure, the iPhone 5 seems radass now. But just wait until the iPhone 6, or the iPhone 10, or the iPhone Nooflebluxus, which is a phone so new and awesome that a number for it hasn’t been invented.
Apple workers who will create the Nooflebluxus haven’t even been born. They might actually be aliens, bionic or invisible. I’m not even supposed to be writing about the Nooflebluxus because 7 decades from now there are alien bionic invisible lawyers who are going to sue me for breaching Nooflebluxus copyright.
For everything the iPhone 5 promises—and it’s promising plenty according to a 7-minute video on apple.com: “We had to look way beyond what we knew to be possible,” says some serious British guy, and I’m assuming the impossible included chocolate-covered talking unicorns—it’s still just a phone. That’s it. It’s a phone. And phones have been around since 1876.
And even before 1876, people talked to other people. They even used things like FaceTime, except back in those days they had to use two actual faces… in the same room . . . talking . . . then listening . . . then talking again . . . can you imagine?
Whatever problems the iPhone 5 has, someone will sort them out. Or not. If your life is so metallic, rectangular and flat that a phone completely ruins it, than you deserve whatever scuffs and horrible maps you get.
Or just wait 100 years for the iPhone Nooflebluxus XXL. I heard it comes preloaded with Strafangoodle!