By Jeff Girod
Nearly 3 million more people voted for President Obama. And, according to exit polls, support for Obama came from 93 percent of blacks, 71 percent of Latinos, 73 percent of Asian Americans, 76 percent of gays and lesbians, 60 percent of voters under 30 and 55 percent of women.
Exactly who didn’t vote Obama? Middle-aged white dudes and old people. It’s the same frownie crinkly faces you see on all our money.
More importantly, the Republican Party has now lost—count ’em!—two consecutive presidential elections. Republicans have also tanked four of the last six presidential elections (which is, like, losing 16 years of Super Bowls, World Series, NBA Finals and American Idol contests while wearing a Brooks Brothers suit).
So what’s next for Republicans? How do they reinvigorate their political party and get people excited about anything labeled “conservative”—especially when Democrats can claim America’s first black president in history, not to mention the world’s bitchenest campaign poster.
Two words for you: Albino midgets. Albinos and midgets are the last two groups Democrats haven’t cornered the market on yet.
And it’s the first rule of D.C. politics: When somebody pulls the first black president, you go small and colorless. What with the popularity of HBO’s Game of Thrones and everyone worried about skin cancer, who wouldn’t vote for our country’s first pint-sized, pigment-less prez.
OK, so maybe I’m joking. Maybe.
Then again, who can take anything the Republican Party does seriously, especially after the meat stiffs they rolled out against Obama in ’08 and again in 2012. Here’s a recap:
In 2008, the Republican nominee for president was Vietnam war hero and Arizona Sen. John McCain. To McCain’s credit, he’s an inspiration and a true American patriot. He also looks like a pasty shriveled turtle.
Divide McCain’s age by three and he’s still older than almost every eligible voter. He’s older than the rotary phone. He’s older than the cure for tuberculosis. I’m surprised McCain even has time to make speeches. He seems to spend most of his waking hours having growths burned off of his face.
And McCain’s vice presidential running mate in 2008 was Sarah Palin. Yeah, that actually happened. I wouldn’t let that nut bag run a Pizza Hut claw crane full of stuffed animals.
Then 2012 came around and we all thought, hey, there’s no way Republicans could screw up their presidential nominee any worse. Dot dot dot. Or could they?
Ah yes, I remember 2012 like it was yesterday. Americans were feeling lousy and the economy, unemployment and the housing market were kicking us all in the collective cojones. Surely the Republicans could dig up a presidential nominee we would finally relate to, a real “man of the people.”
Ladies and gentleman, I give you Mitt Romney.
According to The Associated Press, Romney is 50 times richer than President Obama: In fact, “add up the wealth of the last eight presidents, from Richard Nixon to Barack Obama. Then double that number. Now you’re in Romney territory.”
Mitt Romney actually said all of the following during his recent presidential campaign: “Middle income is $200,000 to $250,000” and “I’m not concerned about the very poor,” and “Corporations are people, my friend . . . of course they are.” And who could forget: “I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks?’ and they brought us whole binders full of women.”
Binders full of women? Never mind not voting for Romney—or any other Republican nominee. I’m surprised we didn’t go house-to-house and beat them all senseless with their own chauffeurs.
If the Republican Party wants us to start liking them again, try not being such self-absorbed asswads. Stop alienating women and gays and minorities and everyone else who doesn’t go to church on Sundays, or even the right kinds of churches.
It seems pretty obvious. Or no, maybe not. I mean you are the party that keeps losing on the biggest stage, at the worst possible moments. If you ever want to see a Republican president again, try a little compassion.
Or find an albino midget. Yeah, that could work, too.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.