Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted November 29, 2012 in News
We’re leaving—and we’re taking our state with us!

That’s the message some unhappy Americans are sending to the White House. Upset that Barack Obama has been re-elected president, the White House has received petitions from residents of all 50 states—more than 750,000 citizens—all who are asking permission to secede from the rest of the United States.

Sounds like a perfectly rational, reasonable solution. Your guy doesn’t win? Dissolve a 236-year-old country.

Of course you could just pack up your sour puss and exit the nearest border. But where’s the fun in that?

Texas leads the way so far with more than 100,000 secession signatures. Why doesn’t that surprise me? Because really, if any state deserves to be its own country, it’s our nation’s dirt capital.

Texas has everything required to become a sustainable country—other than a stable economy, sustainable agriculture and anyone who can string two sentences together without saying “ya’ll.”

You want to secede? Go. Just be ready to get absolutely creamed in the next 100 Summer Olympics.

I remember trying to run away when I was a kid. I got as far as my front lawn. That’s when the realization kicked in that all of my stuff was still inside. And who really wants to sleep all night on the cold hard ground when—lookie here!—I can be back in the house with central air, free HBO and unlimited supply of Capri Suns.

If Texas or Georgia or whoever wants to secede, just realize it’s about to get real, really fast. Or maybe you should rent a few Civil War documentaries from the History Channel. Because it wasn’t all just whittling corncob pipes and whistling Dixie.

You don’t want to be one of the 50 stars on our flag anymore? Fine. No membership in this club means no protection provided by the U.S. Army, Air Force, Navy and Marines. And maybe not today, but soon you’re going to start looking mighty “perty” to some lesser country like Canada or Mexico, or even somebody a bit smaller like Jamaica or Guatemala.

Then what exactly is Wisconsin or Wyoming or Montana going to do when it’s overrun and becomes Guatemala’s little bitch? Boy, won’t that be a funny skit the following week on Saturday Night Live. But nobody in Wyoming will ever see it because, sorry sucka, Saturday Night Live is for red-white-and-blue eyes only.

And even if you did see it in Wyoming, it would be rebroadcast in Guatemalan. Suddenly a president like Obama doesn’t seem so bad, does he?

People always complain about how awful our presidents are, but c’mon, has your life really changed? They still play the Super Bowl every year, they’re still cranking out indecipherable Twilight movies and you can still take your kids to Disneyland whenever you want. So shut your thankless pie hole and get on the teacups.

I am continually amazed at how imbecilic and childish some people behave about politics. The president is not your daddy. He’s not Santa Claus. He’s not Superman or Jesus or some magic genie that can magically fix everything. And you don’t get to just take your ball and go home whenever “your guy” doesn’t win an election. The sad, ugly truth is it doesn’t matter who wins.

The state of our nation is strong. Or it’s weak. Or it’s twitchy and raring for a fight. Truth is our country’s health is dependent on several incredibly complex factors far beyond any one person’s control.

Some presidents are labeled “good.” Others are stigmatized as ineffective. Usually the president gets far too much credit and suffers undue blame. But Democrat or Republican, as long as whomever we elect doesn’t push a big red cartoon button and nuke us all back to the Flintstones, it’s pretty much a wash.

There are so many checks and balances that even the most dynamic president spends most of his time getting neutered by a polarized House of Representatives, Senate and Supreme Court. It’s the way our forefathers intended.

So relax. Love Obama or hate him, you’re still going to have Christmas and get to blow out the candles on your cake.

Or keep complaining. You just might be singing “Happy Birthday” in Guatemalan.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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