The Rundown

By Allen David

Posted February 14, 2013 in News


My buddy, Luis, drops by today. He works for the city and he’s happy to have the job—good pay, good benefits—and he’s definitely not a complainer. Luis enjoys life. “I enjoy reading,” he says. But he will occasionally mention when his workload is heavy. “There will not be time for me to do my reading,” Luis will confide, his voice low but prickly with aggravation. Dude reads a lot! Me? I’d like to, but there’s always a game on TV. Anyway, without even talking about it, Luis and I seem to have worked out a system or ritual or whatever in which he stops by my place once a month—I found out that his work route passes right by my house—and sneaks away for a few minutes to do a bit of reading. Luis goes to the same spot every time—a shady place on the side of my house, where the greenery is way overgrown, but kinda dusty because the same overhang that makes it shady also keeps the rain from getting in . . . and, OK, some trash, as well as things that have simply been thrown away too soon. Actually, the trash is gone. And I’ve trimmed back the foliage and raked up leaves and basically cleaned up everything. I think it’s a lot better environment for reading now. It’s pretty obvious Luis appreciates my gesture—every time he approaches this place, he says something like “here’s what I’m looking for.” And as he settles down to read I’ll hear him contentedly mutter, “perfect.” I feel really good about it, but I’d still like to know why Luis must always come to this particular place to do his reading. I asked him once, and he gave me a kind of suffering look before replying, “It’s where your water meter is located.”


It’s Luis at my door again, out of breath in an excited way, so I hurry for the key and get halfway to the side gate before I realize he’s still on the porch. “I want you to read something,” he yells out to me, shaking several sheets of paper held together by a couple of staples. “I printed out the Manifesto of Christopher Dorner!” I have no clue. But Luis is completely tuned in—he’s been following the manhunt for Dorner, the ex-Los Angeles Police Department officer, who it seems has just killed three people and plans to kill more in retaliation for the bad experiences he had working for the LAPD. “This guy is backing up stories we hear all the time from people who claim to be victims of police brutality and police corruption,” Luis says. “And he is apparently super-trained and following a plan. But he’s only going after cops and their families. We don’t have to worry.” I give Christopher Dorner’s manifesto a read—and I must say Luis is right: I gotta read more manifestos, like we did back in the day. Remember? I didn’t leave the pad without a manifesto in my backpack. Aw, who I am kidding? I wouldn’t last a day reading manifestos the way I used to. I’d just embarrass myself. Nope, reading manifestos is for the young.


Perhaps you missed that phrase in that part of that subsection of that 11,000-word manifesto/suicide note by Christopher Dorner in which the triple-murder suspect gave a mention to Charlie Sheen. Probably, you would seem to be filled to capacity with expertise in unconventional and asymmetrical warfare, small arms, demolition, ordnance and survival, whose muscle memory has made him the top shot, highest score and unsurpassed expert in rifle qualifications in every unit he’s ever been in . . . anyway, it seems inconceivable that this guy would also have an encyclopedic knowledge and recall of TV trivia. Otherwise, how would he even know about Charlie Sheen. Don’t worry, nobody expected you to know—it is such an oblique reference that I had to look the guy up. Turns out, Charlie Sheen was once in a weekly sitcom called Two and A Half Men. He played the fraction.


Now here’s something it seems unlikely that anyone knew: Charlie Sheen? Dude’s still alive! Well, he’s alive enough to have noticed the name drop he got in Dorner’s rant. And from there, Sheen’s instinct has taken over—the indestructible-as-a-cockroach instinct that pathologically drives him and all insatiable attention addicts. Sheen is taking it upon himself to advise Dorner, urging the dead-man-walking to get in touch with him. Sheen thinks it would be a good idea if he and Dorner they sat down for a brainfarting session so they can “figure out together how to end this thing.” Now that is a high-value target!


For a three-time murderer, Christopher Dorner is getting significant online support from people who are following the hunt for him. Ultimately, however, Dorner’s take on the LAPD’s propensity for violence and lack of discipline is doomed by his own.


So far, Dorner is getting his most-effective support from the police, especially two incidents in which officers reacted to the deadly threat posed by Dorner with the violence and lack of discipline he’s been talking about. Police opened fire on two women delivering newspapers in Torrance, bullets hitting one woman in the back and the other in a hand.


Never been more pleased that I’m not a cop.


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