Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted March 14, 2013 in News
Former Playboy model and former Girls Next Door reality star Holly Madison has given birth to a baby girl, Rainbow Aurora. What’s more surprising: Holly still wanted to name her daughter Rainbow after the drugs wore off.

Already critics have started Rainbow bashing Holly’s choice of baby names. Holly addressed what she describes as the “smug haters” on her blog. No really, Holly Madison has a blog. Because whenever I see a hot naked woman, I immediately think, I wish I were reading.

“I don’t care about what they think,” Holly wrote. “I want my daughter to be proud of who she is and learn to speak up and stand up for herself at a young age.” (Holly doesn’t understand that it’s easier to be proud of yourself when you’re not named something that sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s flavor.)

If Holly wants her daughter to be strong and confident, why not name her something normal like Karen or Susan, and enroll her in karate? Because a kid named Rainbow Aurora better learn how to do a flying crane kick by preschool.
Holly is all about empowerment and making solid choices. She also took her clothes off for money, danced topless at Planet Hollywood and dated an 80-year-old Hugh Hefner for his money for five years.

Holly Madison’s name isn’t even Holly Madison. It’s Holly Cullen. But I’m sure the emotional baggage that comes from your mom being a crazy naked sellout can be magically erased by a colorful name like Rainbow.

Celebrities think they’re special because they’re famous, so naming a child something like Neptune Sherbet Mañana is acceptable. I’ve starred in TV movies with Betty White, damn it! I can’t have a son named something plain like Michael or Jason.

Heaven’s no! Your son might grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer instead of a 15-year-old drug addled weirdo who wears baggy hoodies everywhere and is just waiting for his celebrity parents to die so he can snort the inheritance.

Blue Ivy, Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Zuma Nesta Rock, Buddy Bear, Bear Blu, Seven Sirius, Mabel Painter, Moxie Crimefighter, Sin Halo, Tu Morrow, Peanut Kai, Audio Science, Moon Unit and Jermajesty—these are just some of the ridiculously dumb assed names that celebrities—including Beyoncé, Gwyneth Paltrow and Gwen Stefani—have hung on their kids.

 

Famous people are giddily willingly to ruin someone else’s life—worse, someone they’ve given birth to and the nanny is supposed to raise—just to maintain the spotlight.

Because long after a celebrity has stopped showing up in US magazine or on Dancing With the Stars, people will still ask for an autograph solely because he or she is the lunatic who named a daughter something awful: “Oh my gosh, do you know who that is? It’s the retard who named her kid Nipple Yahtzee Pineapple.”

I mean how desperate can you be to name somebody after something I wouldn’t call a hamster?

Actors get paid to read and recite lines that other people write down for them. Now you see what happens when most actors have to write just a few words on a birth certificate: They name their children something like NASA Geico Flintstone.

Actually NASA Geico Flintstone is too “normal.” They would have to change it to NASS-UH Gicoh Flinnst0hn, then have Jay-Z write a rap song about it and trademark a clothing line at Kohl’s.

Boring names are boring for a reason. Even the best parents are going to screw up their kids. The least we can do is give kids a blank slate in the name department.

Every parent thinks his or her child—unlike anybody else’s kid—is going to be the one gifted prodigy. But the truth is that if it’s not yours, all babies are pretty much the same wrinkled, drooling poop machines. And the names you bestow on them are more permanent than any lip piercing or neck tattoo.

I don’t think Holly Madison is a bad person. I think she’s a self-centered buffoon slightly more intelligent than a tray of warm butter. But bad?

Hey now. C’mon. There’s no reason to start calling anyone names.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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