By Allen David
The Board of Education of the Fontana Unified School District convenes for the first time in who-knows-how-long—tonight’s meeting makes up for a Feb. 3 meeting that was postponed because Christopher Dorner was out who-knows-where (I mean, nobody knew then) freaking people out. But there are freak-outs and there are freak-fuckin’-outs. For instance, the school board members decided to err on the side of caution and simply spend a quiet evening at home. On the other hand, the Fontana School District’s police chief, Billy Green, went gun nutty. He purchased 14 semi-automatic rifles with all the fixin’s—but without the approval of the School Board, although he sent them the bill of $19,286. Needless to say, board members were rather ticked off about Green’s vigilantism, which not only abused the district’s chain of command but also its budget. Well, two of them were ticked, anyway. It’s almost as needless to say that by the end of the meeting—after Billy Green addressed the City Council for a long, rambling, paranoid . . . manifesto—the members of the Fontana School Board declared themselves in favor of arming their school police force with automatic rifles.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Over in Vatican City—the real inland empire, no offense—Pope Benedict XVI is ready to bail early on the till-death-do-we-part commitment he made to the world’s Catholics a-waaay back in 2005. Apparently, pontiffing turned out to be a little tougher than it looked. As the first pope to resign in more than 600 years, an oft-repeated stat that you can bet the rewrite staff at the Richard Nixon Library in Yorba Linda will sooner or later work into their relentless campaign to rehabilitate the erstwhile Tricky Dick. But this was Pope Benedict’s day, his last moment in the spotlight, and he couldn’t have chosen a better spot to make his cut-and-run official . . . the papal retreat. The Pope’s final address is at Castel Gandolfo, where I’m pretty sure they filmed The Hobbit. Here is what he says, translated as best I can with the Italian that I picked up that summer I waited tables at Massotto’s: “Well, that’s about it. It isn’t very much, but Pat and I have the satisfaction that every dime that we’ve got is honestly ours. I should say this—that Pat doesn’t have a mink coat. But she does have a respectable Republican cloth coat. And I always tell her that she’d look good in anything. One other thing I probably should tell you, because if we don’t they’ll probably be saying this about me too; we did get something—a gift-after the election. A man down in Texas heard Pat on the radio mention the fact that our two youngsters would like to have a dog. And, believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was. It was a little cocker spaniel dog in a crate that he’d sent all the way from Texas. Black and white spotted. And our little girl—Tricia, the 6-year old—named it Checkers. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the dog and I just want to say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re gonna keep it.”
FRIDAY, MARCH 1
If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to name her “Sequester.”
SATURDAY, MARCH 2
Remember where you read it first: Angels phenom Mike Trout, suddenly fat and unhappy with his contract, is going to flounder.
SUNDAY, MARCH 3
Karl Rove—the guy they used to call “Bush’s Brain”—drops in to the California Republican Convention in Sacramento to provide some strategy to party members who are still coming to terms with being officially useless in state politics. That’s the effect of the super majorities that Democrats won in both legislative houses in the last election, and the fact that only 29 percent of Californians are registered as Republicans doesn’t brighten the outlook. But Bush’s Brain has seemed rather drained lately. His PACs spent guzmallions of dollars on campaigns throughout the country last year, and most of the candidates lost. And during today’s speech, when Rove arrived at the moment that everyone was hoping would reverse their fortunes, Rove said: “Get off your ass!”
MONDAY, MARCH 4
I guess “Get off your asses” didn’t work.
TUESDAY, MARCH 5
The Hemet Unified School District’s Board of Education is considering a proposal that would start the school year one week earlier than usual. If approved, classes for the 2013-14 school year would begin on Aug. 12 rather than Aug. 19. That’s a drag. Everyone knows all the best things in Hemet happen in the middle of August.