¡Ask A Mexican!
By Gustavo Arellano
Dear Gachupín: Nothing like some intra-Mexican hatred to prove that the idea of a Mexican nation united for Reconquista is as realistic as a Mexican government free of narco money! Your specific insults toward people from the Mexican state of Chihuahua (or, as they’re known in El Paso, fronchis) and city of Monterrey (their nickname is regiomontanos) marks you as someone from Texas, as that’s where the majority of immigrants from northern Mexico have landed. And the reason they act so uppity isn’t so much because of where they’re from but what they are: ricos who have fled the chaos of their home states for the safety of Texas, where pompous, ostentatious pendejos are not only welcomed, they become governors and presidents.
I’m a gabacha . . . kind of. I was born here but my padres are mexicanos. So I’m a gabachacana. Anyway my question is in regards to fixing my authentic mexicano’s papeles. He’s 23, and I heard that once you’re past 18, it’s harder to do it. He’s never been in trouble with the law, he pays taxes and he’s a hard worker. But I heard that even all that would do him no good and if I go through trying to fix his papers, he would need to spend like 10 years in Mexico. Now, I’m a patient person, but que chingado, man? I’m not gonna risk him meeting some paisana hoochie over there and having me wait 10 years for him. So, what steps can I take to prevent such an atrocity? What would you suggest be the best way to go about in fixing his papers without the risk of having him meet some skeezer down south?
Dear Wabette: While I’m all for people making up ethnic labels to describe themselves, gabachacana makes you sound like an apricot. The easy answer is marrying the chavo—you’re still going to face a long process, but it’s faster than waiting for the Obama administration to make Dios-knows-how-many deals with labor, the Mexican government and Republicans to offer a “comprehensive immigration reform” that’s as comprehensive as a tortilla chip covering a bowl of birria. Better yet, why not just move to Mexico with him? As I’ve said before, Mexico is the true land of liberty now, a libertarian paradise that becomes more and more appealing as technocrats up here try to game the system for themselves and make los Estados Unidos into just another Mexico—oh, wait . . .