By Allen David
Another beauty-is-in-the-eye-of-the-beholder day dawns on the 15 Freeway’s Limonite Avenue offramp, the orgy of third-tier chain stores that serves as the gateway to the City of Jurupa Valley. Unless you turned left on Limonite. Then the dust devil of retail you’re riding through is the City of Eastvale . . . yes, even though you’re driving west. Don’t argue, just turn around. We’ll deal with Eastvale some other day. At this moment we’re on an extremely time-sensitive mission—trying to get to the bottom of reports that a cell of operatives are putting the finishing touches on a plot that holds the City of Jurupa Valley’s very existence in the balance. Fortunately, it shouldn’t take long. Getting to Jurupa Valley by definition means you’ve gotten close to the bottom.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
Sure enough, the City of Jurupa Valley is being held hostage and ransom under the threat of death—death via a long, slow, painful procedure—unless California lawmakers in Sacramento cough up millions of dollars by September 12 . . . which is the end of the current legislative session . . . which was only a freegin’ week away—but as you read this is today! The perpetrators are making their demands in a sort of “infomercial” video sent to Sacramento legislators. And who would those perpetrators be? Who in Jurupa Valley is so pathetically desperate and terrifyingly detached from reality that they would concoct a ransom scheme that put Jurupa Valley’s life in such jeopardy? That would be Jurupa Valley . . . as represented by its elected officials and the staff at City Hall. [Of course, Jurupa Valley has a city hall! It’s in that funky old strip mall at 8304 Limonite Avenue. You there? Now go to Suite 'M'. OK, now you’re there.] Why would Jurupa Valley hold Jurupa Valley hostage and for ransom? Jurupa Valley is almost out of money. Will be by July 2015. The only thing Jurupa Valley has left is Jurupa Valley. Thus was devised the ultimatum to the state legislature: give Jurupa Valley the millions of dollars in vehicle-registration fees that California cities used to receive every years) or Jurupa Valley will kill Jurupa Valley—that is, begin the procedure to disincorporate as a city.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
Pop quiz! Question: When was the last time a city in Riverside County dis-incorporated—that is, voluntarily went from being a city to not being a city? Answer: Cabazon, which ended years of controversy in its city government by disincorporating in 1972. OK, Pop, you can go back to sleep now.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
It’s Caturday. Meow.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
Several hours after UCLA wide receiver Nick Pascuale plays his first minutes ever as a college football player during Saturday afternoon’s game against the University of Nevada/Las Vegas, the 5-feet-7 fireplug dies after being struck by an automobile while walking through a residential section of his hometown of San Clemente. He is pronounced dead at 1:27 a.m. today. An investigation is ongoing, but there is currently no suspicion of drug or alcohol use. The driver called 9-1-1 and remained on scene. No arrests were made. Pascuale was not a starter. In fact, his position on the UCLA team was tenuous enough that he recently mentioned to his father that he believed the coaches were beginning to notice him. That’s not true, UCLA Coach Jim Mora tells the San Bernardino Sun. “He was a tough sucker, man,” Mora says. “He was, what? Five-seven? A buck sixty-five, seventy? But his freakin’ heart jumped out of his chest.” As an illustration of his gritty toughness, members of the UCLA team gave Pasquale the nickname of “Pacquiao”—a reference to Manny Pacquiao. Pasquale saw his first game action Saturday when UCLA’s lead over Nevada-Las Vegas reached double digits and bench warmers began to be given some opportunity for action. The Bruins will begin wearing Pasquale’s number on their uniforms this Saturday at Nebraska, the “36” adorned on the front of the left shoulder. The Cornhuskers will do the same with a decal on their helmet. Meanwhile, on the gate to UCLA’s practice field, someone had left two signs in Pasquale’s memory.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
Breaking Bad: The Morning After. After a three-year-old girl is brought to Community Hospital in San Bernardino with a fever, she tests positive for methamphetamine and her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are arrested and incarcerated. Alexis Parker, 27, and Tony Medrano, 43, both of San Bernardino are arrested on suspicion of child endangerment, sales of methamphetamine and possession of dangerous weapons. Medrano, a convicted sex offender, is also suspected of being a felon in possession of ammunition. The child and her twin sister are taken into protective custody by the San Bernardino County Department of Children and Family Services.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
Breaking Bad: The Morning After the Morning After. Although makers of Zephrex-D, a new cold and allergy decongestant now being sold nationwide, say it is made with a new form of pseudoephedrine that is difficult to use to make methamphetamine, the Drug Enforcement Administration says today that it still won’t allow it to be sold over the counter. Inland Empire meth dealers—looks like it’s going to be your call again!