The Final

By Jeff Girod

Posted October 24, 2013 in News
JeffGirodSomebody at Nabisco deserves a raise.

Oreo cookies are as addictive as cocaine, according to a recent study by Connecticut College. Researchers studied the pleasure centers in rat’s brains and discovered that Oreos activated more neurons than cocaine or morphine.

“It may explain why some people can’t resist these foods despite the fact that they know they are bad for them,” said Joseph Schroeder, who led the research team.

Let’s hope nobody gets so high that they try to snort an Oreo. O-R-E-OUCH! More importantly, why isn’t Nabisco putting this same cocaine-like ingredient in all of its products? It might finally make Triscuits edible.

I’ll be the first to admit Oreos aren’t the healthiest. But its seems like quite a leap to go from delicious cream-filled, chocolate delight to Tony Montana sitting behind a desk with a submachine gun and a mountain full of happy dust. There’s sugar and then there’s smack.

Did anyone think to drug test the folks who proposed this study? Are they even researchers? Because this sounds like an elaborate ploy to get Connecticut College to buy clever drug addicts lots of cocaine and cookies.

What’s the next big study? Strippers and Twinkies? Snowboarding and bong water?

Or how about we give someone a government grant to get as fried out of their gourd as possible, then type up their “scientific findings” in a beanbag chair while listening to whale sounds and a Best of Dave Matthews CD. (Some might argue they’re one and the same.)

I’m all for medical research and scientific breakthroughs, but let’s stick to big game hunting like cancer, AIDS and discovering a way to make Miley Cyrus keep her knees together.

Here’s the thing about comparing the addictive power of Oreos to cocaine: Oreos are still not cocaine. Nobody has ever been shot in the face over an “Oreo deal gone bad.” Nobody has ever snorted a mirrored table full of Oreo dust then gone for a “jog” naked on a Santa Monica off ramp.

The worst cased scenario of an “Oreo overdose” is having to pour a second glass of milk or buy a larger size of sweat pants. Sure, in 20-50 years, Oreos may kill you through obesity, high cholesterol or heart attack. But think of all the cream-filled escapist ecstasy you’ll experience between now and that ambulance ride. Bonus: You’ll get an ambulance ride.

Let’s be clear. Something is eventually going to get you, no matter how many Oreos you forego and how much hummus and tofu you ingest. You could irrigate your colon with green tea like a whirlybird sprinkler, but sooner or later we’re all going to crap the proverbial bed. (Crapping between the sheets, you’re going to look like a reverse Oreo.)

Yes, you might live longer by going Oreo-free. And you’ll probably look a lot better than somebody who’s two-fisting a package of double-stuffed daily. But Oreos are not cocaine. They’re not even as bad as smoking or throwing back two fingers of scotch, because nobody has ever died of “second-hand Oreo” or been hit by someone driving a car “under the influence of Oreo.”

And frankly, I prefer the occasional Oreo or 20. (Not to mention Oreos and scotch, you should try it.)

I may not live to see 90. I may not live to see Thanksgiving. But I’ll probably be a lot less irritating.  Especially since I’m not dominating every conversation extrapolating about portion control or how rice cakes really don’t taste that bad if you smother them in enough low-sodium, gluten-free seaweed paste.

As responsible adults, we try to do responsible things: We show up, we wait our turn, we stay in our lanes, we take what we’re given, we keep our mouths shut and we don’t put things where they don’t belong.

But you can only push us so far. You can only criticize us so much. When someone starts making unnecessary and exaggerated comparisons between snack foods and felony class narcotics? When they start comparing us to lab rats and drug addicts and threatening our pleasure centers?

Well friend, at that point you’re just f*cking with us.

Stay creamy.

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