By Molly McFly
Thurs, Oct. 17
“Hey, Doc. You’d better back up, we don’t have enough road to get up to 88.”
“Roads? Where we going we don’t need roads.”
Fri, Oct. 18
Israeli Supermodel Bar Refaeli was recently heard boo-hooing about not having a boyfriend who has the potential to be a husband and/or father, in a recent New York Daily News interview. She’s a skinny, well-tanned chick who dated 39-year-old actor Leonardo DiCaprio not so long ago (not that I would call him a “winner” (He squints a lot). I’m pretty sure that the only reason that the Refaeli-DiCaprio relationship even happened at all was because Refaeli still harbored feelings of her 12-year-old self who probably had a crush on the Titanic actor back in 1997 (back then, he was only 23). Sure everyone wanted to be the Rose to DiCaprio’s caring character, Jack Dawson. If you’re into that sappy romance stuff (as I sigh and wipe the girly tears from my eyes).
While we can’t say much about her personality, Refaeli could easily attract uh . . . suitors. But it’s pretty clear what kind of man she’s really looking for. In that interview, Refaeli mentions that she likes “self-confidence, physical fitness and generosity” in a man, but is also “very interested in going out with someone who is big and strong and famous.” I wonder how many poor guys she has friend-zoned in her life?
Jeez Bar, ever hear of nice guys? Give a normie a shot. No? Alright fine, enjoy your beefcakes.
Sat, Oct. 19
All I wanted was a single, ripe, orange pumpkin to celebrate the annual festivities of fall. I don’t want a crappy one from an off-the-freeway carnival with its cheesy distractions; I wanted to snag a decently sized gourd from the Cal Poly Pumpkin Patch—but nope. Didn’t happen. Why?
Well it isn’t really Cal Poly’s fault that thousands of people know about the college’s annual weekend fundraiser. And, you know, I guess it’s my bad for assuming there would be parking on a campus that seems like it’s miles long. Right? That’s crazy.
God forbid I want a choice in my pumpkin shopping!
Cal Poly always has a decent selection of oddball green, yellow and white pumpkins; randomly sized and funky ones, gourds that have noses, some that look like they have phallic tumour extensions—it’s all about the choice. We’ve got to find that perfect pumpkin to represent some crazy Breaking Bad or The Walking Dead theme. I guess I can just run around my neighborhood in a jealous rage, destroying all of the pumpkins filled with Disney hopes and Jack-O-Lantern dreams. Oh, the kids already do that in my neighborhood? Well, I’ll root for them then.
Sun, Oct. 20
Mon, Oct. 21
Our condolences to the families of victims who were shot at Sparks Middle School in Nevada. It’s unfortunate that there are so many people in the world that allow themselves to be taken over by fear or aggression; kids being especially susceptible to those feelings. The accused shooter, a 12-year-old boy, was only just beginning that awkward, pre-teen phase. Although nothing is certain, one student thinks that the seventh-grade shooter might have originally targeted students who had bullied him in the past . . . which is a huge shame, seeing that common problems like that can often be treated with time. And of course, there’s the heroic math teacher/former marine who tried talking the kid down but was killed on the spot. Ouch. Now that was a good guy.
Maybe Bar Refaeli should seek a man who’s heroic and good, rather than delicious actors like squints-DiCaprio.
Tues, Oct. 22
Sure, by the time I hear about most YouTube videos the obsession is long since over, but the Simply Sara cooking videos are CRAZY scary. Simply Sara features an obese Southern woman whose infamous “Wanda’s Macaroni Salad” made record highlights a few years ago. The “salad” consists of 1300 calories worth of condensed milk, a cup of SUGAR, a cup of white vinegar, 2 pints of mayonnaise and a huge bowl of macaroni noodles . . . it’s enough to make any half-healthy individual switch to vegan food forever. I can’t say I’ll be ditching the In-N-Out anytime soon, but I certainly needed something healthy to rid myself of the overweight heebie-jeebies. So I hit up the Oasis Vegetarian Café in Riverside. It’s one of those order-at-the-window joints so it’s pretty much a “to-go” destination, but they have a bomb vegan treats.
Go, my children! GO! Don’t be a Sara . . .