The Rundown

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Posted December 19, 2013 in News

TheRundown1Wednesday, December 11

This is it—it’s finally happening. Food trucks are going to be allowed to roam free in Riverside County. Well, not quite, but it should be official by April 2014. Previously, Riverside County was the only county in the whole state that bans food trucks from operating on a daily basis. Why are we so far behind? WTF Riverside County? this whole time I could be eating better food! I’m sick of fast-food joints and less-than-impressive restaurants that don’t even deserve to be open. Gross. But with food trucks, it all changes. I want something new, something innovative, something with bacon, Sriracha ketchup and deep-fried.

Unfortunately, other restaurants in Riverside County are worried that the food trucks will take away from their own brick-and-mortar businesses. Well f*ck yeah they will, the food is way better. Some restaurants are even speaking with cities in hopes to ban trucks from operating during lunch time.

If a food truck is approved by the FDA to operate, it should be able to operate whenever the heck it wants. At noon for the office workers, at midnight for the insomniacs; everybody deserves access to that delicious food.

Thursday, December 12

Porn. It elaborately acts out the whimsical fantasies of the sexual journey of your dreams (you, not me). But did you know there are other types of porn? According to the internet’s self-made Rule 34, “If it exists, there’s porn of it.” Sure the rule is normally reserved for weird shit like tree porn, pterodactyl porn and even porn including the dapper peanut mascot, Mr. Peanut. I’m not making this up.

Try some porn without the stigma—like Earth porn. Amazing high-res images illuminating the color and natural organization of Earth’s most gorgeous landscapes. Or word porn, where a single word like eleutheromania (an intense and irresistible desire for freedom) is an orgasmic feeling of discovery. Or maybe it’s just eutony (the pleasantness of a word’s sound).

Who knows, it might just be my kalopsia (the delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are). Wordgasms.

But there’s no denying that (non-sexual) food porn exists—countless images so perfectly decorated cause the viewer to salivate when gazing upon meat decorated with succulent sauces and a variety of colors. Bonus: You can find some of those food-gasmic edibles at food trucks . . .

Friday, December 13

For all of you extremely suspicious types, here’s a word that describes you on this day: paraskavedekatriaphobia.

Saturday, December 14

Okay so here’s the Sriracha sitch: the spicy topping is only going away for a little while—but apparently not everybody knows that.

EBay has seen a ridiculously flux of Sriracha products including the “last packet of Sriracha ever made” for $10,000, single bottles of Sriracha for $100 and a ridiculously overpriced Sriracha “discontinued” hoodie for $120.

This has followed recent events of the city of Irwindale where the Sriracha plant is located complaining about the chili scent and attempting to close down the plant because of “health issues” caused by the smell. That’s the smell of flavor you jerks.

Sunday, December 15

The Salvation Army (SA) is well-known for its deeds, especially when they set up that iconic bucket to collect money during the holidays. But before you give them your extra bucks, remember that they hate gay people. Somewhere in the Bible, in Romans, SA actually interpreted that gay people “deserved to die.” You think this might be harsh, but it’s the perfect accusation to match the statement. In one interview between The Gay Voice News (TGV) and a Salvation Army Media Relations representative, it’s “a part of our belief system”

So if you’re feeling charitable this Christmas, don’t drop your change to an organization that doesn’t support 100 percent of its donors. Choose something that deserve it more, like our neighboring children’s hospitals or the homeless instead.

Monday, December 16

One more week ‘til Christmas bitches!

Tuesday, December 17

With great technology comes great conspiracies, some which are sometimes proven to be true. But it isn’t just the eye of the camera on your smartphone that is bugged, it’s somewhere you wouldn’t think of right off the bat: Video games.

Since the dawn of games like Doom and hell, even Mario stepping on Goombas, video games have been labeled as a breeding ground for violence amongst players. As if both kids and adults didn’t already have access to rated-R films and heaven forbid . . . the NEWS. I played Diablo as a kid and you don’t see me dressing up like a Paladin trying to murder anyone I consider to be a demon. (Although I have considered buying a baseball bat in the event of a zombie apocalypse—but, you know, that’s reserved for undead humans. There’s a difference).

But apparently multiplayer platforms have been labeled as a potential meeting ground for people plotting terrorist attacks. Video games such as World of Warcraft and Second Life, alongside services like Xbox Live, are all said to be under surveillance by American and British surveillance agencies like the NSA or GCHQ. Documents released by Edward J. Snowden reference gaming platforms, so they’ve GOT to be true . . .right?

And if it is, then I better stop sending rage messages using the word “bomb” and the phrase “your mom.”


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