The Final Word

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Posted January 2, 2014 in News
JeffGirodWe’re gathered here today to bury the electric car. Grab a shovel.

After years and years (and years) of drilling it into our heads that gas is the devil’s fire water and electricity is the only pathway to a clean, utopian salvation—THIS:

The US Department of Energy is forecasting that whoops! Turns out electric cars are just as silly as we’ve all quietly suspected. In fact, almost all of us will still be driving gasoline-sucking cars in the year 2040.

According to the department’s most recent report, a whopping 78 percent of light duty vehicles will still be sold with gasoline engines almost three decades from now, compared to just one percent of full electric vehicles.

One percent! That’s one percent more than none percent.  Oh and thanks to newly discovered shale deposits and fracking techniques, oil production within the US should rise significantly by 2019, making us less dependent on foreign oil.

Electric cars suck. Oh my god do they suck. I’d say they “suck balls” but nothing about an electric car should be associated with genitalia, because the electric car is about the most emasculating thing you can own.+

No one has ever looked at an electric car and said, “Wow, what an impressive . . .” and then stop right there, because nothing about an electric car has ever swayed a client meeting or helped someone land a job.

Owning an electric car will never get you laid. It may not even be possible to have sex in an electric car because electric cars are so tiny they barely have room for a defroster.

When people talk about electric cars, they always use words such as “sensible” and “eco-friendly.” It’s like being set up on a blind date with someone whose 9 digits short of a 10. Friends will go on about what a great personality she has. Your mom, no doubt, will love her.

Even the manufacturers of electric cars know they’re fighting a losing war. Why else would they give theirs cars terrible names such as the Volt, Spark and Leaf? Spend $20,000 and Nissan can’t even name your car after an entire tree.

Yes. The electric car has everything you’d want in a vehicle if your goal were to sacrifice everything about that’s fun about driving for the sake of the environment: great gas mileage, low fuel emission… minimal wind resistance? I don’t know if that last one is even a thing.

 

But you know what? I don’t care about electric cars. I honestly spend more time thinking about flossing and those guys in suits who ring my doorbell and invite me to their weird churches.

You know what electric cars are? They’re something I want everyone else to drive. Sure, they sound great. Let’s make the air cleaner. Let’s preserve some mythical pond where my imaginary grandkids can play on a tire swing. Just don’t take away my raised pickup truck because I don’t want anyone to see through my driver’s window when I’m scratching my balls.

This world needs inventors. It needs doers. It needs people to continually push normal bounds and keep searching for “the next big thing.”

Who’s going to do it? Me? I can barely fight the urge to give the neighbor’s toddler a free haircut.

I’m never going to invent a new car or solve the world’s energy crisis. But what I can to do is tell everyone else when I see an idea that’s never going to work. Added benefit: I’ll mock it when it fails.

But more than that, I don’t like being scolded. Especially when it turns out to be unnecessarily. And I think that’s why I delight so much in the slow flickering death of the electric car. Don’t tell the rest of us how to live our lives until you’re 100 percent sure that your way is the right and only way.

And even if and when it is, don’t be so damned smug about it. We know we should all use less gas. But make electric cars bigger, faster and something George Clooney or, better yet, Steve McQueen would drive.

Then maybe I’ll buy one.

Until then, screw the electric car. Where’s my gas card and keys?

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com


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