By Alex Bradley
Who gives teenagers professional grade fireworks? I mean, honestly . . . Who would seriously think that was a good idea? The same pimple-faced miscreants that plague our restaurants and movie theaters on the weekends, the same annoying little sh*ts that think they know everything and treat the world like their own garbage can. Well these turds are definitely able to get a hold of whatever they want, and do—point in case, New Year’s Eve.
Don’t get me wrong! I’m not a stick in the mud, I like to get down—especially on a holiday with friends, but blowing up branches and possibly your own hand with professional grade fireworks seems a bit excessive. Is that really necessary?
Thursday, January 2
Can we just revel in the fact that California is awesome, and even though the Rose Parade is lame, lame, lame—this year at the New Year’s Day Rose Parade, the first same-sex marriage took place on top of a wedding cake float? So friggin rad.
Aubrey Loots and Danny Leclair exchanged vows New Year’s Day in the first same-sex marriage during the Tournament of Roses Parade. Throngs of spectators cheered as the men, dressed in dark suits, faced each other and held hands before the Rev. Alfreda Lanoix, who officiated the ceremony aboard the AIDS Healthcare Foundation float. The Pasadena Tournament of Roses, which puts on the parade, said the float represents this year’s parade theme, “Dreams Come True.”—ADORBS.
Friday, January 3
Today is J.R.R. Tolkien’s birthday. You know, the genius that is responsible for bringing us The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings and Smaug the amazing ego-maniac of a dragon. Well listen here Smaug . . . don’t f*ck this day up for us. You can roll around in your stolen treasure all you want, but oh my gawd, shut up. Stop talking your nonsensical jibber-jabber, and get to steppin.’ This day is sacred to the nerds and geeks of the world (which is pretty much everyone nowadays) and they’re not afraid to cut a hater. Tolkien should be rejoicing in his magnitude and fame, up in the magical cloud lands, and he doesn’t need your loud ass to pollute his celebrations.
Saturday, January 4
I’m sorry, but if you believed the hoax that today, affectionately known as “Zero G Day,” was actually a real anti-gravity day, you’re about to get some knowledge dropped on ya.
Supposedly, due to the combined gravity of Jupiter and Pluto, you will be able to jump in the air and float for just a couple of seconds today. I can’t even begin to explain just how wrong this claim is. After all, the physics of the statement is so wrong, the claim about Pluto and Jupiter is super wrong and it’s based on a joke made by an astronomer nearly 40 years ago! HA!
If you want the math, then here you go: Even if you add all of the planets together, they pull on you with a force less than two percent of that of the Moon. Simply put, the planets are just too far away to have any real effect on you. By the way, the Moon orbits the Earth on an ellipse, so its own gravity fluctuates far more than the combined strength of the planets every two weeks. Note that you cannot float in the air every two weeks.
Sunday, January 5
Bradley Cooper is 39 today. I’ll take a gravitational pull into that guy. BAM!
Monday, January 6
Cold front hits the Midwest today, with potentially life-threatening temperatures. HA!
Sorry . . . California is a nice 68 degrees, with bright and shining sunlight and clear skies.
Tuesday, January 7
So . . . last month, U.S. District Court Judge Robert J. Shelby ruled that Utah’s gay marriage ban was unconstitutional. But mostly-Mormon-Utah wasn’t going to let that be the end of it. Gay couples will have to put their wedding plans on hold. If the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals affirms the judge’s ruling, then gay marriage will be legal in Utah. It’s likely that whichever side loses its case in Utah will ask the Supreme Court to weigh in on the constitutionality of gay marriage. The U.S. Supreme Court temporarily blocked the judge’s order that allowed for gay marriage in Utah until the case is discussed more in depth. That order will keep the state’s ban on same-sex marriage alive until a federal appeals court has a chance to rule on the judge’s decision.
Isn’t it funny that the same state that prides itself on its mainly Mormon residents—who have historically advocated for polygamy and multiple-wife-marriages—now is trying to pass laws to ban gay marriages? Are they really in any kind of place to judge marriages? Bigotry much?