By Molly McFly
The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) just ramped up a lot of excitement with the unveiling of numerous technological goodies. Where there are gadgets, there are geeks. Amidst the excitement for cool new stuff, there was one special appearance that brought out the nerd in everyone. Christopher Lloyd (aka Doc Brown from the Back to the Future trilogy) posed next to a tricked-out DeLorean, donned in a Hawaiian t-shirt and white lab coat, rocking out on the same Gibson guitar that Marty McFly used to jam out to “Johnny Be Good” on set.
Now if only we could get some hover boards on the market . . . after all, according to the movie, the new-aged skateboard was to be readily available in 2015. Along with flying cars, a weather service schedule, powered shoelaces and self-drying jackets. Scientists—do your job!
Thursday, January 9
Aaaaaand destroying the very idea of health in this world, obliterating the basis of the famed fast-food documentary Super Size Me, comes John Cisna who claims that he lost 37 pounds over 90 days after eating only food from McDonalds. He survived on not just salads but Big Macs, Quarter Pounders with cheese, sundaes and ice cream cones, he somehow lowered his cholesterol too. What the hell? This guy is pigging out on burgers and fries and LOSING WEIGHT. His disclosed “secret” is limiting his intake to 2,000 calories a day and following basic nutrition guidelines for carbs, fats and proteins. Oh and he walks for 45 minutes a day. Big Whoop.
Friday, January 10
Oh Shia LaBeouf. You went from the annoying little brother in Even Stevens to the star of the first Transformers movie and you know what? It was all downhill from there. This guy is a regular Christian Bale, taking his job way too seriously. LaBeouf reportedly refused to shower while filming an untitled World War II movie, with his desire to immerse himself in the role as a soldier in trench warfare pissed off the likes of actor Brad Pitt, among a number of other cast members. He even pulled out his own damn tooth on set, (for reasons that nobody can seems to figure out). Seriously, what?!?!
Recently he plagiarized someone else’s graphic novel and made it into a short film. How did the damn idiot think that he wouldn’t get caught when he used direct quotes from the book? For those pro-plagiarizers in school, you at least had the smarts to change up wording or something. Not LaBeouf.
Today he announced that he was retiring—on Twitter.
LaBeouf claims “In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life,” and he ending the statement with “#stopcreating.”
Saturday, January 11
Burrito vending machines popping up in Southern California?!? Yes. Even if they’re not amazing, I could use one of these bean-and-cheese beauties for lunch.
Sunday, January 12
Shit is about to go down on the fictional continents of Westeros and Essos with the announcement of the starting date of the newest season of HBO’s intense TV show, Game of Thrones.
Reasons to watch: Dragons, gratuitous violence, a number of steamy sex scenes and the death of every hero or heroine you’ll ever become attached to—seriously, say goodbye quickly.
Monday, January 13
Let’s face it, Mondays suck. It’s the feeling of hatred for lost time, wishing that the short-lived two days of sleeping in and watching Netflix could somehow be extended another day so that we could permit our terrible habits another day to shine through.
But since we have to deal with reality, start it off this day with a fun activity. A simple browser game called “Catlateral Damage” will put you into the body of a cat whose life goal is to knock over as many household items off of coffee tables and shelves within a two-minute time limit. You may not be able to take out your grumpiness on co-workers but you sure as hell can piss off your digital owners in this game of feline destruction.
Tuesday, January 14
Times are tough and the world may one day become a terrible post-apocalyptic place where you’ve got to fight to survive. But what about our pets? How will they protect themselves? Sure dogs are probably the best bet for protecting you, but I’m a cat person. I want to protect my legion of cats from getting hurt by starving hunters and zombies alike. It happened to Will Smith’s pup Samantha in I Am Legend. It happened to Hedwig in Harry Potter.
Luckily, someone on the cutesy D.I.Y. shopping site Etsy answered the prayer of a cat lover somewhere and created cat battle armor.
With a hefty $500 price tag, your cat can instantly turn into a vegan leather-wearing beast. According to the seller, “Your cat will become an unstoppable force for slaughter in this fully articulated suit, shielding him/her from foes while allowing unimpeded movement across the battlefield or living floor.” Complete with mini-dragon-like spikes on the cat’s spine and leather scale pieces to protect the hind legs, it’s surprisingly well-crafted. Don’t mess with my cat, we’ll f*ck you up.