The Rundown

By Molly McFly

Posted January 23, 2014 in News
TheRundown11Wednesday, January 15

The Fullerton Police Department, more specifically the six officers who beat a homeless man named Kelly Thomas to death back in 2011, are now very clearly in over their heads. The individuals pleaded not guilty and were found, of course, not guilty. Riots ensued.

I’m all for supporting the men and women of law enforcement who risk their lives to save us from the scum of the Earth, but I also trust them to uphold a sense of morality when on the job. Beating a homeless guy with schizophrenia? C’mon, the guy’s life was already messed up as it is.

It isn’t just about some cops beating a guy down anymore; it’s about how they proceeded to beat him even when he ceased to become a threat. A number of officers chimed in on the beating, and Thomas was literally beaten to a bloody pulp. Medical records report that bones in his face were broken and after lying in a comatose state for five days after the event, he died of his wounds.

A video of the gruesome event caught everything and a compilation of quotes were transcribed of Thomas’ final pleas of mercy: “Dad help me . . . they’re killing me” Thomas cried out 31 times; “Sir please . . . okay . . . okay,” 30 times; “Help me . . . Help me God,” 26 times; and “I’m sorry,” 15 times.

Rest in peace sad hobo man. Hopefully justice will be served.


Thursday, January 16

In other news, some young kid at the YMCA proved how fat and lazy we all are. Not only could he climbed a rope to the high ceiling of his school gym but he did it WHILE HULA-HOOPING THE WHOLE WAY UP. Ridiculous.

“I’m jealous!” I exclaim in envy as I watch the recurring gif of this kid do something amazing while I sit on my ass and inhale a dozen glazed donuts.


Friday, January 17

The world of technology is an exciting and constantly evolving industry, helping us improve our lives one invention at a time. Currently, we’re at the level of building a 2,500 square-foot house, in just 24 hours—with only a massive 3D printer. The idea is still in development by USC Professor Behrokh Khoshnevis and his company Contour Crafting, but the prospect of such an invention would create an amazing new housing industry. With the future on the horizon, the folks at Contour Crafting predict that the project could eventually lead to the creation of building habitats on other planets . . . eventually.


Saturday, January 18

It’s been 20 years since the Disney comedy Cool Runnings brought the plight of a Jamaican bobsled team to light, loosely based on the events which occurred at the 1988 Winter Olympics.

Now the story is somehow being relived while the current Jamaican bobsled team aims to earn money after a 12-year absence from the games. Although Olympic organizers offered to pay travel costs for the competitors, there is still much money to be raised for the team’s equipment. A number of organizations have gathered proceeds for the Jamaicans: Crowdtilt earned $115,000, gained $40,000 and Dogecoin donated $30,000 to the cause. The result? The internet may be full of trolls and hateful people, but there are quite a few generous individuals out there too . . . and because of them, I might actually watch the winter games!!!

“Feel the Rhythm! Feel the Rhyme! Get on up, it’s bobsled time! Cooooooool Runnings!”


Sunday, January 19

Recreational marijuana is legal in Washington and Colorado. The Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos will go head-to-head in this year’s Superbowl. Coincidence? I think not.


Monday, January 20

Nothing says Americans can’t spell (or listen) more than a gallery of names written incorrectly on Starbucks cups. “I’d like a Venti Mocha Frappuccino for Jude please.” Nope, your name is “Jew” now.

A Green Tea Latte for Virginia? How about “vagina” instead?

Or my personal favorite: The interpretation of the name Chad as “Shat.”

Only in America.


Tuesday, January 21

One kid was born today and he’s reportedly the biggest baby to ever be born in the state of California, at a whopping 15-pounds, 2-ounces. Talk about a chubby baby. The mom is only 5’1 and somehow, didn’t notice the extra weight during her pregnancy—she made the doctors double-check the weight of her newborn. I bet that baby was pumped up with some massive burritos or some other hefty meal that we Californians are well-known for devouring.

However this baby’s fattiness is nothing compared to the world champion: a 23-pound, 12-ounce baby from Canada that was born back in 1879. The mother of that kid must have stuffed her face with nothing but pure maple syrup and thick, salty cuts of bacon.


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