Past Stories

The Thin Line

YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY AND SAD. YOU SUCK. YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.    This is the message that is launched at you by the media at the beginning of every New Year—just pick up the latest issue of…


Word Up!

At the end of every year, journalists across the land rejoice because they don’t have to spend any time at all coming up with new topics to write about. You either waste space summing up everything you already wrote about&hel...


Equalize It

Merry Christmas. Oops! I mean, Happy Chanukah. Oh, wait. Sorry. I meant to say Happy Kwanzaa. No, no, no, that’s not right. All those horrible phrases are offensive to someone. Hmmm . . . I think I’m just supposed to…



Cruel Hand Look

You’ve been sitting at your computer for hours, alternately working on an important project and emailing old lovers who have found you on Facebook, when suddenly, a sharp, piercing pain shoots through your wrist and up your a...


Jagged Little Pills

When you consider the long list of celebrities who have been addicted to painkillers—Paula Abdul, Winona Ryder, Matthew Perry, Jamie Lee Curtis, Eminem, Courtney Love, Charlie Sheen, both Kelly and Jack Osbourne and, of cours...


Vision Quest

Only in SoCal would it feel appropriate to write a column about sunglasses anytime of the year, including the first week of December. This only partly has to do with the perpetual sunshine; the other reason is that this area&he...



Chow Down in the Dumps

On November 16, the Department of Agriculture announced that the number of Americans who lack consistent access to adequate food skyrocketed last year to 49 million, the highest since the government began tracking what it calls...


Unhappy Feet

Want to know the number one trend in women’s foot fashion this winter? Well, just imagine an actual supermodel attached to the bottom of a shoe i.e. heels that are ridiculously tall (at least four inches) and frighteningly sk...


Buggin’ Out

There are very few things that truly gross me out, but I’d have to say that watching people eat giant Madagascar hissing cockroaches on the now-defunct Fear Factor is at the top of the list. Eating bugs in general is…



Ditch and Hitch

The Big Three holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve) are almost here, which usually means six things: we get really stressed out; we hemorrhage money; we get drunk; we get fatter; we spend too much time with fa...


Pole Position

It’s easy for fit chicks to get stuck in an exercise rut. But running on the treadmill at the same speed for three or four miles most days of every week all year long can get really old. The same…


Downsize the Dog

All you have to do is open your eyes and look around (perhaps in the mirror) to know that Americans are seriously f’n fat. According to the most recent stats from the National Center for Health Statistics, only 27.3 percent&h...



Mother Denture

You already recycle, carpool, unplug appliances when you’re not using them and tote your SIGG water bottle to school, work and the gym.    That pretty much makes you “Green” lite, which is certainly better than nothing...


All Bets Are Off!

I went to Vegas once when I was 21 and very poor, and played nickel slots. I started with $20 and somehow, about 30 minutes later, I had $2,000. Problem was, my streak was so exciting that I continued playing,…


Bare Country

Some people, myself included, have no problem walking round the house completely naked, as a matter of convenience. This freaks my husband out because I’m not particularly good about shutting the blinds first. It’s not that...



Risky Business

There are condoms, there are birth control pills, patches and shots, there are diaphragms and sponges, there are IUDs, there is sterilization and there is abstinence. Except for abstinence, which is 100-percent safe, chances ar...


Heavy Duty

I despise all reality television, except for Project Runway, Top Chef and The Biggest Loser. I like the first two because they actually have reasonably good production value and involve two activities—fashion design and cooki...


Shop of Horrors

In the land of Amer-I-can consume, buying piles of crap is a measure of success, a hobby, a form of therapy, even downright patriotic—may I remind you of ex-President Bush’s post-9/11 mandate to “Get down to Disney World ...



Sacred Love

There are quite a few civil rights in the United States that help distinguish us from all those other countries; but coming in at number one, the pièce de résistance, is the first amendment, which states: “Congress shall ma...


Sacred Love

There are quite a few civil rights in the United States that help distinguish us from all those other countries; but coming in at number one, the pièce de résistance, is the first amendment, which states: “Congress shall ma...


Scare Tactics

Have you ever had a dream or premonition that turned out to be true? Have you ever seen a light, heard a voice or experienced a physical sensation that defies explanation? Have you had an out-of-body or near-death experience? H...



Final Fantasy

How many different ways has Hollywood come up with to kill off the world as we know it? Writer/director/producer Roland Emmerich did it way back in 1996 with Independence Day and then again in 2004 with The Day After Tomorrow.&...


The Big Tweezy

I often get compliments on my eyebrows, which do seem to enhance my natural features with graceful arches and the perfect width, length and thickness.    This is all completely artificial. Left to their own devices, my eyebro...


Flex Appeal

Apparently every sport wants to be BFFs with Pilates. For example, “Piloxing,” a combination of Pilates and boxing “invented” by Swedish-born Viveca Jensen, a dancer, bodybuilder, aerobics instructor and trained boxer w...



Without a ‘Net

Nowadays if someone wants to get a hold of us, they can call, text, Twitter, Facebook, email or instant message. And thanks to the portable nature and Internet-ability of cell phones and laptops, there’s pretty much nowhere t...


Fortune Hunters

So, you really want to know if that hot co-worker is ever going to ask you out, and, if so, will it simply be a fling or are you going to fall in love, get married, and have lots of…


The Ear of Living Dangerously

Our ears are constantly assaulted by noise—blaring bedlam from the television and radio, lawnmowers, household appliances, traffic, people who think it’s okay to scream-talk into their cell phones in enclosed public spaces ...



Forbidden Fruit

So, you’re feeling pretty proud of yourself because instead of cruising by the drive-through at McDonalds for a Big Mac and a side of fries, you decided to pop into Jamba Juice and get yourself a smoothie—fruit is good for&...