Past Stories

Big Bang Theory

How would you rather burn off approximately 190 calories—one hour of hatha yoga or 30 minutes of foreplay followed by 30 minutes of doin‘ it doggy style? That’s right—provided you are protecting yourself from STDs, good...


Cruising Your Religion

The other day my husband and I were talking about the kids we plan on having one of these days, and somehow the subject of religion came up. Raised a Catholic, my husband claims to not believe in God. I…


Heavy Drinking

As of June 20, summer is officially here and what with all those long, hot days, ’tis officially the season to get fucked up. A frosty margarita, a refreshing daiquiri, a cold beer . . . they all taste and…



Blunder the Skin

So, last year you saw The Dark Knight and loved it so freakin’ much that two days later you had Heath Ledger as the Joker tattooed on the entire length of your forearm. This year, you realized you are an…


Buzz Swill

With the sticky, sexy days of summer less than three weeks away, the ideal way to ensure your stamina keeps going strong is to get eight hours of sleep a night, exercise, limit your alcohol intake, drink plenty of water…


When Words Collide

Even though I was a nerdy English major and have my MFA, I am a swearer: one who emits the occasional fuck, shit or asshole. I don’t actually think swearing is that big of a big deal, and there are…



Burn of the Screw

Admit it—you probably haven’t used a condom every time when you knew damn well you should have. You can blame your hormones, beer or the fact that condoms suck, but none of these are good excuses. Think about it—you could...


Magickal Mystery Cure

My first experience with the neopagan, nature-based religion of Wicca was in high school when I was riding a Greyhound bus from my hometown, Eugene, Ore., up to Portland to visit a friend. I ended up sitting next to a…


No Holes Barred

Sure, that new nipple/navel /genital/face piercing you just got may look super sexy right now, but failing to keep the area properly clean could lead to infection. At its best, this means pain, swelling and smelly secretions; a...



High and Mighty

Weed—that giggle-inducing, munchies-generating, mood-enhancing, ridiculous conversation-causing, pain-relieving, occasional paranoia-producing beloved of college students/slackers/hippies across the land, as well as past and ...


Food For Clot

What’s even more American than apple pie? Getting that apple pie deep-fried and then handed to you through a window in a little paper sack along with your Quarter Pounder-with-cheese, king-size fries and a cauldron of Coke. T...


Couch Trip

One of my best friends just got married. Here is who was in the dressing room with the bride during the hour leading up to the ceremony: her mom, the mom-in-law to-be, I was there, the other bridesmaids and her…



Cheap Shots

Last week we offered tips on how to look good for less in this ugly economy. This week we are going to cover how to keep your medical bills down in this sickly economy. Perhaps it’s a little backwards to…


Hair Command

Even though the economy looks like crap, most people would prefer not to look like a crap as a result. But hair, skincare and beauty products can get awfully expensive, and they probably place lower on your “Absolute Necessit...


Don’t Milk It

I finally figured out that I was lactose intolerant in 2001. Up until that point I ate cereal every morning, yogurt every afternoon, cheese at every dinner and ice cream every night, and my stomach hurt like a son-of-a-bitch al...



Heartburn of America

Heartburn is a daily occurrence for about 10 percent of Americans, according to www.webmd.com. This isn’t surprising when you consider that common triggers include stress, smoking, prescription medications, tight-fitting clot...


Remember Those Resolutions!

March is National Nutrition Month, which strikes me as remarkably appropriate timing. Right about now is usually when New Year’s resolutions—such as striving for better health—take their last gasp before dying. Who knows ...


What I Learned in Life So Far

I turned 32 on March 4. According to an ethically-questionable palm reader at one of my elementary school “Fun Nights,” that means I’m decidedly middle-aged. I was in the second grade and she told me that I was going to&h...



Here Kitty Kitty

I admit it—I like to sniff my cat. Something about immersing my nose in Aslin’s warm fur and breathing deeply fills me with an unparalleled, if perhaps fleeting sense of peace. I can’t really explain it, because mostly he...


Everything But the Kitchen Sink

Would you rather lick your kitchen sink or your toilet seat? I’m guessing you’d select the former. But if your reason is that you’d prefer not to barf, you’d actually be better off with the toilet. Counter intuitive tho...


14 Ways To Insinuate “I Love You”

Many, many years ago, when I was an undergrad, I diversified my English Major/Film Minor by taking a Philosophy of Love and Sex class. Needless to say, this class was very popular—over 200 students, equal parts football playe...



Sanity in Sanitary

Do you remember a sing-songy radio PSA from when we were kids that went something like this: “Wash your hands after going to the bathroom; wash your hands after changing baby too; because we don’t want you getting hepatitis...


PB&J with the Haunches Cut Off

My father is a peanut butter fanatic. For one Father’s Day, my sister and I gave him a five-gallon bucket of fresh ground peanut butter from a health food store. He ate the entire thing by himself in approximately six…


Pruning the Bowels

There are a lot of things to pay extra special attention to in the month of January. Nationally it’s Cervical Cancer Awareness Month, Glaucoma Awareness Month, Volunteer Blood Donor Month, Birth Defects Prevention Month, Ment...



Dad Gum It


The other day I was doing a little pub trivia and one of the questions was: “What is the most common human disease in the United States?” We answered diabetes. We were wrong. The answer was periodontal disease—i.e. gum di...


A Grain of Truth

It probably comes as no surprise that the most common New Year’s resolution is to lose weight. Weight loss programs rejoice this time of year, as people—imagining their jiggly abs and asses firm and pert by swimsuit season...


Realistic Resolutions

It’s that time of year again—the time when we all wake up horribly hungover on January 1st, seriously regretting the 30 cigarettes we smoked last night, wishing we’d not opted to have sex with the person (or persons) lyin...



Of Might and Men

Last week, in the spirit of the giving season, I shared some health and wellness advice I’d gathered from my favorite SoCal ladies—real advice from real people about what really works. Now the gents get a turn. Not only are...