Past Stories
Final Word
Imagine . . . if California had a 7.0 earthquake and six days later someone held a jog-a-thon through your front yard.
That’s essentially what New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg tried to do when Hurricane Sandy struck the ...
Final Word
What’s that sound? It could be your bank account getting sucked dry by bank fees.
And it’s not just your bank, Sunshine. Every bank everywhere is reportedly taking a pork chop out of your piggy bank.
ATM surcharges—the fe...
Final Word
Yay Lakers (or insert your favorite sports team here)—just be sure to get the game started, lickety-split!
That’s the new mandate from the National Basketball Association, who recently ordered that tipoff of each game must ...
Final Word
Earn more money from home? Ask me how!
On the brink of bankruptcy, the U.S. Postal Service is hoping to increase business by cutting deals with direct-mail marketers to deliver even more junk mail, according to CBS News.
The U....
Final Word
It doesn’t matter what side your gas tank is on, because we’re all taking it from behind.
The California average for gas last week was $4.66 a gallon. The cheapest gas locally was $4.41 per gallon for unleaded at the…
Final Word
When I bought my house several years ago—back during a simpler time when we all thought houses in California were worth, I don’t know, money—the realtor tried to butter me up by telling me that a former Los Angeles Angels...
Final Word
The new iPhone 5 is out and I can’t stop skipping long enough to put on pants.
Embrace the iPhone rainbow of awesomeness: It’s 18 percent thinner than before! It’s 20 percent lighter! Those geniuses at Apple won’t stop ...
Final Word
God save the boobies! Future Queen of England Kate Middleton has been getting a lot tabloid press lately—and not the kind where she ranks her five favorite marmalades.
At least three publications in three countries have publi...
Final Word
Two months until the 2012 presidential election and you know that means? I’m playing a popular new game that’s sweeping Facebook—and, no, it’s got nothing to do with planting virtual corn.
Any Facebook “friend” of m...
Final Word
Dateline: Montana. A man wearing a bushy, camouflage suit and trying to imitate Bigfoot died last week after being struck by two cars, both driven by teenaged girls, ages 17 and 15.
“From what I understand, at least one of&he...
Final Word
Avert your eyes or you might get hit with a penis! That’s according to the Parents Television Council (PTC), which released a new study tracking the amount of nudity on prime time television during the 2011-2012 season.
The P...
Final Word
Taylor Swift’s new album, Red, is due out Oct. 22 and it’s all about the singer’s “tumultuous, crazy, insane, intense, semi-toxic relationships,” according to Swift’s diary which I stole.
Big surprise.
Swift has pre...
Final Word
Republican candidate Mitt Romney has finally announced his pick for vice president: Crossing fingers in breathless anticipation that it’s me . . . Nope, it’s Paul Ryan!
As a country, we scratched our heads and asked, “Rya...
Final Word
Go for the gold—if you can afford the tax bracket.
The United States Olympic Committee awards prize money to American Olympic medal winners: $25,000 for gold, $15,000 for silver and $10,000 for bronze.
But not so fast, Michae...
Final Word
Actress Kristen Stewart has a lot to learn about groveling.
Fanciful gift baskets, Vermont teddy bears, stinky cheese-of-the-month clubs—these are all great ways to weasel back into someone’s good graces.
Not a good way to ...
Final Word
These are the facts.
Twenty-four-year-old James Holmes entered a movie theater in Aurora, Colo., armed with an assault-style rifle, shotgun, Glock handgun and gas mask. He threw canisters of gas into a crowd and began shooting....
Final Word
An outrage, I tell’s ya! U.S. athletes are scheduled to parade through London to open the Summer Olympics later this month, but they’ll be wearing navy blazers, white bottoms and matching berets made in—gasp—China!
Oh n...
Final Word
Country superstar Kenny Chesney will perform with Tim McGraw this Saturday at Anaheim’s Angel Stadium. If you’re going, better “un-Chesney” yourself up with an unsightly pirate scar or bone through your nose.
Tennessee ...
Final Word
Free Katie! For five years, America wondered how actress Katie Holmes stayed married to Tom Cruise, putting up with his overly compensating machismo, his Mr. Wizard hypotheses about everything from psychiatry to pregnancy to ro...
Final Word
You shouldn’t have—that’s what President Obama wants you to say.
The next time someone hands you a gift card or a smartly wrapped present on your big day? Obama would rather you stick out the other hand and ask for…
Final Word
Grab a helmet and hold onto your banana seat: Lance Armstrong might be facing a mountain of evidence even he can’t pedal his way over.
The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency has recently announced it will bring formal charges of doping ...
Final Word
Your Mountain Dew may become a Mountain Don’t.
That’s if New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg gets his way. The mayor hater is proposing a citywide ban on—not guns, not crack, not gangs—but soda. And get ready, America, bec...
Final Word
Graduation: For most, it’s the culmination of a lifetime of hard work. For others, it’s a family’s dream realized as the first generation stands proudly beneath a cap and gown . . .
But when did graduation ceremonies star...
Final Word
Can you smell it? Like a mildewed knit sweater soaked in Molson Ice?
My Los Angeles Kings are in the Stanley Cup Finals!!! And I couldn’t be happier. Dare I say it—while wiping a parental-like tear from my eye—prouder.
I&...
Final Word
Minnie Mouse just got less minnie.
Beginning this week, adult tickets to Disneyland cost $87, a $7 increase from $80. This is the second time in less than a year Disneyland has raised prices. This time last year, an adult…
Final Word
Yer out! And yer out! And yer out! And . . . well, you get the idea.
That’s the position a Catholic boys’ high school baseball team chose to take last week, forfeiting the Arizona state championship instead of competing&hel...
Final Word
Shh. Don’t say, do or think anything!
And wear exactly the same shirt and underpants (forever if possible). Because otherwise someone somewhere might be jinxed!
JINXED I tells ya‘!
That’s the warped logic used last week b...
Final Word
Save the whales! Harpoon a Barbie!
PETA—which, is not just delicious flat bread—has come out in protest of Mattel’s new Whale Trainer Barbie. The animal rights group describes the toy as “barbaric.” Whale Trainer Barb...
