Past Stories
Final Word
Everybody relax! Crawl out from under that table. North Korea—for the moment—remains incapable of attacking the United States.
North Korea also can’t attack any other part of the world including South Korea or anything re...
Final Word
Here’s something to make Ronald McDonald grimace: A new study has discovered a direct connection between eating fast food and depression.
Researchers in Spain claim that depression is 51 percent more likely to occur in people...
Final Word
You’re dead! That’s according to every scientist on the planet, who apparently hate anything delicious, comfortable or sane.
Take researchers at Harvard who just reported that eating red meat—any red meat, any amount, of ...
Final Word
What’s that sound? It may be Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood honking his car horn at you—especially if you’re talking on a cell phone or texting while driving . . . HEY, YOU! PAY ATTENTION! I’M TALKING!
LaHood recen...
Final Word
That’s no roommate; that’s your mom!
A limp economy and massive debt have forced record numbers of young adults to shack up with their parents, according to the Pew Research Center. Nearly 30 percent of 25- to 34-year-olds ...
Final Word
Food critic Marilyn Hagerty is hotter than a five-cheese ziti. She’s 85, from North Dakota and, in less than one week, her Eatbeat column has been read by more than a half-million people—that’s 10 times the population of ...
Final Word
Did you feel it, America? The breathless anticipation leading up to Super Tuesday? Voters cast ballots across 10 states this week—the closest thing we have to a national primary. It was all I could do to stop myself from play...
Final Word
You’re hated! Or should I say, look around: We’re all hated.
In a national survey conducted by Public Policy Polling, California was ranked the least liked out of all 50 states. Think of it, people actually had a higher opi...
Final Word
Quick! Say something inappropriate and regrettable! An Asian-American man is dribbling—what, how can this be?—some sort of basketball?!
For three weeks, Jeremy Lin has been starting at point guard for the New York Knicks an...
Final Word
The Los Angeles Board of Supervisors agreed last week to raise fines to up to $1,000 for anyone who throws a football or a Frisbee on any beach in the county.
The 37-page ordinance (37 pages? Did they list every…
Final Word
Banned in Britain: An ad for anti-wrinkle cream featuring actress Rachel Weisz has been outlawed in the United Kingdom after complaints that the photo was “misleading.”
In the ad to promote L’Oréal’s Revitalift Cl...
Final Word
Putting the “pea” back into “peacock network,” NBC scheduled an episode of Fear Factor on Monday where contestants are forced to drink urine and donkey semen.
The controversial episode, titled “Hee Haw! Hee Haw!,” ...
Final Word
Mark Wahlberg wants you to know Mark Wahlberg is tough. Mark Wahlberg is a Rambo-Terminator-Mr. T manwich, wrapped in a Steven Seagal quesadilla, slathered in Chuck Norris hot sauce.
Wahlberg told Men’s Journal that things w...
Final Word
Tim Tebow has been te-bounced from the NFL playoffs, after the Denver Broncos were boat raced, 45-10, by the New England Patriots last Saturday.
The primetime game drew record TV ratings, with as many people cheering for Tebow...
Final Word
We’re livin‘ in a material world: Look no further than this year’s Bridgestone Super Bowl Halftime Show on Feb. 5, featuring a 53-year-old Madonna. 53!
It’s a good thing halftime is sponsored by a tire company, because...
Final Word
New year/new laws: As if life wasn’t complicated enough, Californians will have to adjust to 760 new state laws, most of which took effect Jan. 1, according to the Los Angeles Times.
Want to carry a handgun in publ...
Final Word
2011 was the year of Adele: The British singer achieved this year’s top-selling single, top-selling album, and was named Artist of the Year by iTunes, Rolling Stone and Billboard. Adele also earned six Grammy nominations, sol...
Final Word
Happy Holidays! Yes, ’tis the season when everybody treks into the dark recesses of their garage, untangles dusty holiday crap, tacks it up around their houses and on their roofs, then waits until almost Martin Luther King Jr...
Final Word
Get off my plane! In the past week, Alec Baldwin was ejected from an American Airlines flight at LAX because he allegedly refused to stop playing Words With Friends on his cell phone.
He also allegedly hurled insults at the&hel...
Final Word
See ya, Herm! Once a frontrunner for Republican presidential nominee, Herman Cain now has a better shot of becoming a Kardashian.
Cain said he’s quitting the race to the White House “because of the continued distractions, t...
Final Word
Break out the eggnog and zip ties! The day after Thanksgiving, also known as Black Friday, traditionally marks the beginning of the holidays. Why, it’s enough to bring a sentimental tear to your eye . . . or maybe that’s&he...
Final Word
Pizza and fries? Say “ah-h-h.” That’s two helpings of vegetables for you, Mr. Good Body.
The House of Representatives passed a bill last week allowing pizza and French fries to remain classified as vegetables in federally...
Final Word
Coaching legend Joe Paterno was fired last week as a child sex-abuse scandal continues to rock Penn State. Jerry Sandusky, a former assistant coach, has been charged with 40 counts of child abuse against eight victims over 15 y...
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Oh the humanity! Reality star Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets NBA Frankenstein Kris Humphries are calling their marriage kaput after just 72 days. 72 days? I have luncheon meat that’s older.
The unhappy couple married in A...
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Black Friday is coming and you know what that means? $50 cashmere sweaters! $250 laptops! Strangers in “Juicy” velour tracksuits who will literally cut you for a $99 Garmin.
Yes, the day after Thanksgiving—Friday, Nov. 25...
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Slavery! That’s what HBO commentator Bryant Gumbel compared the NBA lockout to, calling NBA commissioner David Stern a “modern plantation overseer.” Lookie here:
“Stern’s version of what’s been going on behind close...
Final Word
Down with Wall Street! Boo the rich! Somebody find a guy with pinstripes and suspenders and shake him upside down until a gold brick falls out!
The Occupy Wall Street movement marked its one-month anniversary this week, ...
Final Word
After two decades of serving as the classic intro to Monday Night Football, Williams’ iconic song, “All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight,” has been sacked, punted and groin pulled from future ESPN broadcasts.
The ...
