Past Stories

Final Word

If you can read this, you’re not in heaven. And neither is Harold Camping, the 89-year-old radio preacher who has spent more than a year and a $100 million on 2,000 billboards and other forms of advertising predicting that Ju...


Final Word

“Waitress, when you’re done with your popcorn tantrum, will you scream early-bird specials at us? Wait a second . . . that’s Andy Dick! Who? Exactly.” Yes, the IE’s favorite cokehead was back in the news recently. Tu...


Final Word

Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed last week by a team of Navy SEALs. If you didn’t already know that, you’ve been hiding in the same Afghani caves for the last decade where the CIA has been searching with…



Final Word

Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a flying super hero of indeterminate citizenship. Yes, after 73 years of fighting for truth, justice and the American way, Superman has decided that the good ol‘ U.S....


Final Word

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—or possibly a Mail Boxes Etc. Because apparently the United States Postal Service doesn’t know its Lady Luck from Lady Liberty. There are two Statues of Liberty in the United States (no...


Final Word

Food fight! This one’s in Chicago where an elementary school has banned homemade sack lunches, requiring every class clown, schoolyard bully and teacher’s pet to buy a nutritiously balanced lunch served by the cafeteria. No...



Final Word

Hail to the Donald? It could happen if some voters get their wish in the 2012 presidential election. Donald Trump is currently running second in a recent Wall Street Journal/NBC poll measuring the top presidential choices of Re...


Final Word

Smell that? That hickory waft of freedom, like a meaty middle finger to every dopey hiker munching on a “heart-smart” bowl of granola? That’s bacon, friend. And Denny’s has it by the truckload. “Bacon is king,” a l...


Final Word

She’s a fakerina! That’s according to Sarah Lane, the ballerina who served as a dancing double for Natalie Portman in her Oscar-winning performance in Black Swan. “Of the full body shots, I would say 5 percent are Natali...



Final Word

Grab a rifle, son. We’re being invaded! That’s the premise of MGM’s remake of the 1984 cult classic Red Dawn, a Cold War drama—starring Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, Lea Thompson, C. Thomas Howell and Charlie Sheen—a...


Final Word

You’re tired! One of your armpits needs deodorant. And you’re late to your next appointment, which should probably be to a grocery store to buy more Speed Stick by Mennen. And it’s all thanks to daylight saving time. Yes...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Charlie Sheen is dead! Dead tired that is, after appearing on every possible TV talk show to bash CBS, calling the creator of Two and Half Men a “retarded zombie,” and repeatedly trying to prove that he’s 100-percent sobe...



Final Word

When I get angry, people ask me, “Jeff, what is the source of your incredible power? Are you part alien? Were you sent to earth in an escape pod from a dying planet? Were you struck by military gamma rays…


Final Word

Ski like the sun! Toboggan like . . . Santa? The sun and Santa Claus are just two of the 11 suggested mascots for the 2014 Winter Olympics, to be held in Sochi, Russia. Never mind the athletes, maybe someone…


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Like an arthritic, one-note, unintelligible cyborg everybody thought was already dead, Arnold Schwarzenegger took to Twitter last week to announce his intent to resume acting. Finally! All of those unanswered questions will be ...



Final Word

Oh say, can’t you sing? The Goodyear Blimp was the only thing leaking more hot gas than Christina Aguilera as she fumbled her way through “The Star-Spangled Banner” at last Sunday’s Super Bowl. Never has a woman wished ...


Final Word

Yo no quiero cow intestines! That’s the gist of a lawsuit recently filed against Taco Bell, which alleges the meat in its tacos and burritos is less than 35 percent beef. The class-action lawsuit—filed on behalf of Californ...


Final Word

The Big One is coming! No, not that Big One. So crawl out from under your desk, goober, and grab a waterproof poncho. Not content to scare the bejeesus out of us for the last five decades about earthquakes, scientists…



Final Word

You’re no Huckleberry! That’s according to one Southern publishing company that has decided your sensibilities are too delicate to read Mark Twain’s original version of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Instead the publ...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Put on a helmet, kiddies, because you’re going to tip over! That’s according to the Australian government, which has ordered Power Balance—makers of a rubber bracelet with a hologram sticker—to refund all of its custome...


Final Word

Apple has an app for that! And, as it turns out, it’s a knuckle sandwich. An Idaho man on a Southwest Airlines flight from Las Vegas punched a teenage passenger who refused to turn off his iPhone as the plane…



JeffGirod_

Final Word

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is putting the “foot” back into “football” after videos surfaced last week allegedly starring Rex and his wife with titles such as “Awesome Soles” and “Hot Mature Sexy Feet.” In one ...


Final Word

You can be a gay private, but you don’t have to be gay in private. That’s according to the U.S. Senate, which voted last week to repeal the long standing “Don’t ask, don’t tell” military policy which requires gays s...


Final Word

Some people actually look forward to Christmas. I call these folks “annoying little bastards.” My entire family has spent the last three weeks asking me what I “want” for Christmas. What do I want? What am I, six years ...



Final Word

Somebody open a window because, baby, I’ve got Oscar fever! No, wait. False alarm. Actually I’m just wearing two undershirts. December is traditionally when studios release their “artistic” films in anticipation of nex...


Final Word

Only 1.62 million saps decided to fly on Thanksgiving. And going through airport security has never felt more like a colonoscopy/16-year-old trying to undo his first bra strap. So I figured, when better to toss all my crap in a...


Final Word

Kobe Bryant is destroying young minds like a Denver Nugget zone defense! Yes, critics and parents are up in arms—which, as any basketball coach will tell you, is how you defend an inbounds pass—about Kobe’s latest TV comm...



Final Word

Like Brett Favre in yet another Wrangler commercial, the McDonald’s McRib is back, baby, and better than ever! Actually the McRib is exactly the same. In fact, these might be the very same pressed-pork-patty sandwiches McDona...