Past Stories

Final Word

Newscasts are boring! That’s the message CBS Corporate Chairman Leslie Moonves delivered earlier this month when he told students at the University of Texas that viewers are getting their news from the Internet, smart phones,...


Final Word

Not in my food court, Mary Jane! That’s the message California voters delivered Tuesday, voting down the controversial Proposition 19, which would have legalized marijuana and turned this state into one giant Rastafarian love...


Final Word

Happy Halloween everybody—the one night a year we teach kids that it’s OK to take candy from strangers and put your underwear on the outside of your pants. We also let cobwebs grow and call them “decoration,” hollow ou...



Final Word

You’re not watching enough TV! That’s according to network executives who, as we speak, are somewhere holed-up in a board room, thinking up innovative ways to force you to watch more commercials—especially that one for th...


Final Word

The meat did it! That’s according to cyclist Alberto Contador, 2010 Tour de France winner, who recently said the reason he failed a doping test was because he ate—wait for it—a contaminated steak. Talk about super-sizing...


Final Word

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman was recently outted for employing an illegal alien as a housekeeper for nine years. And I for one am shocked—SHOCKED!—by her sordid and lascivious actions. So is my gardener, F...



Final Word

Readers have questions. Not my readers, thankfully. But luckily I have a lot of free time and enough wisdom to answer letters from other magazines. Sure, I could let someone “qualified” answer these queries—a fancy “exp...


Final Word

Kate Gosselin and her uterus appear on the cover of People magazine this week. Gosselin is the “reality star” of TLC’s Kate Plus 8 along with her twin girls and sextuplets for a total of—somebody grab my abacus—EIGHT ...


Final Word

It was a long summer of having to talk to our families and go “outside” for entertainment, but thankfully another new season of fall TV programming is finally here! And, frankly, not a moment too soon. Because if I have&hel...



Final Word

Can you see it? A perfectly manicured lawn and a surly groundskeeper in a onesie kneeling to spray-paint a snarling bear’s head. Or a cardinal . . . Or a dolphin . . . Or a bronco . . .…


Final Word

You’re trapped! That’s according to the National Association of Realtors, who reported that sales of single-family homes, town homes and condominiums have plunged to levels not seen since 1999—or possibly even longer. (I ...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

The president is Muslim! That’s according to nearly one in five people, or 18 percent of the country who said they think President Barack Obama is Muslim, according to a recent poll by the Pew Research Center. Others who answ...



Final Word

Open letter to whoever keeps putting postcard advertisements for Lounge Thirty-Three on the window of my truck: Look. I get it. You’re just doing your job. And I admire your persistence. And though we’ve never met, I feel...


Final Word

A man makes a decision and he sticks by it. You ask a man where he wants to eat or what time to schedule a meeting? A man tells you. If you ask a man a question—any question—a man has…


Final Word

TMZ announced that Michael Jackson—King of Pop, sequined one glove, Billie Jean was not his son—is scheduled to posthumously release an album of new songs this November. There are still more than approximately 100 still-unr...



Final Word

You’re stupid! That’s according to the Brookings Institute, which ranked Riverside-San Bernardino-Ontario as the 93rd stupidest metropolitan area to live in the United States. Is “stupidest” even a word? No one may ever...


Final Word

Remember the good ol’ days when conspiracies used to involve secret tape recordings, Whitehouse hanky panky or weapons of mass destruction? Now it’s some billionaire Poindexter in a turtleneck saying, “There is no ‘Ante...


Final Word

I hate terrorism as much as the next guy but I am simply amazed nothing terrorist-y has happened since 9/11, because we have some of America’s dumbest, slowest people guarding our nation’s airports. They make Paul Blart: M...



JeffGirod_

Final Word

You’re not reading enough while driving! Never mind the near constant bombardment of digital billboards, freeway advertisements and vinyl-wrapped buses. California state lawmakers are considering allowing electronic advertise...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Happy Birthday, America! You don’t look a day over 230. Sure, our country has its problems: The economy is as stable as Lindsay Lohan playing Jenga on a teeter-totter. And oil is still $3 a gallon everywhere except the Gulf&...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Another breathtaking day of World Cup soccer where a bunch of nations the size of Rhode Island tie each other 0-0! Things haven’t been this exciting since my block party’s last ping-pong tournament. Wait, no, in ping-pong t...



Final Word

Sixteen-year-old Abby Sunderland from Thousand Oaks—attempting to become the youngest person to sail around the world—was bumped and bruised but reportedly OK after being rescued by a French fishing boat, according to Maria...


Final Word

To the graduating Class of 2010: Boy, are you screwed. Seriously. You should have stayed in school. What were you thinking? The irony is that the really smart kids had the forethought to get held back a few grades and…


JeffGirod

Final Word

The NBA Finals start Thursday at 6 p.m.: The Los Angeles Lakers vs. the Boston Celtics. Good versus Evil. God versus the Devil. Bruce Willis as a roughneck oil driller versus a Texas-sized asteroid hurtling toward Earth. (I may...



Final Word

You’re not paying enough to go to the movies! But never fear. Several theaters are planning to charge $20 per adult ticket to IMAX showings of Shrek Forever After. (And really, if there’s a film that deserves to be Hollywo...


Final Word

Meet America’s Next Top Author: Former supermodel Tyra Banks has signed a deal to write a series of fantasy novels about the world of modeling. Because if there’s one thing we love more than hearing models talk, it’s watc...


Final Word

Somebody grab a towel! Five thousand barrels of oil a day have been gushing unchecked into the Gulf of Mexico like delicious Hershey chocolate syrup ever since April 20 when a BP oilrig bit the big one. And since April…



Final Word

Actress Julia Roberts has been named the Most Beautiful Person in the World, according to People, a magazine apparently run by four elderly women and a gay guy. “She’s as beautiful as ever,” director Garry Marshall told...