Past Stories

Final Word

Aliens are trying to enslave us! That’s according to Stephen Hawking (a.k.a. the smartest-guy-on-the-planet who’s in a wheelchair, talks via computer and sounds like Optimus Prime — though, as far as I know, Stephen Haw...


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Four teenage boys in Yucaipa have been cited for posting nude and seminude pictures of eight classmates on the Internet, according to the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department. But apparently the Clearasil Four are...


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Apple.com praises the iPad as a “magical” and “revolutionary” product that will allow you to “write emails, flick through photos, page through Web sites or watch a movie.” And you know what, that would be magical an...



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You’re not paying enough for booze! That’s according to Kent and Josephine Whitney of San Diego, who have introduced the "Alcohol-Related Harm and Damage Services Act of 2010,” an initiative they’re...


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Riverside Community Hospital has just launched its new “ER Wait Time Text Messaging” program.  By simply texting “ER” to 23000 from your cell phone, and replying with your zip code, you can now rece...


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The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize (which is only fitting because I just received an offer in my email inbox to buy a Nobel Prize).    Wired magazine has been spearheading the campaign to nominat...



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Talk about hot under the collar:    A man in Lancaster was recently stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after asking a woman to hang up her cell phone during a screening of the film Shutter Island, according&...


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What’s that sound?!   It could be a hurtling freight train, runaway boulder or kids screaming their heads off on a roller coaster. Or… it could be a Toyota. Look out!   Turns out that the Prius you bough...


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A dog? You can’t handle a dog!   That’s according to a new law, proposed in England, that would require every dog owner to first take a competency test to prove they can handle owning a pet.    Now u...



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The 2010 Winter Olympics wrap up this Sunday, and I think I speak for Americans everywhere when I say, “Thanks for stopping by.” I guess we’ll being seeing you around on a Wheaties box or in a P90X infomercial...


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You’re drunk! That’s according to a new survey published in the March issue of Men’s Health, which named Riverside the fourth Drunkest City in America. Data was based on death rates from liver disease, alcoho...


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President Obama is catching heat after saying—get this—you shouldn’t spend money you don’t have.    “When times are tough, you tighten your belts,” Obama said. “You don’...



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Happy Super Bowl Sunday everybody, my favorite holiday of the year!   Sure Hallmark would argue that this Sunday is not technically an official holiday. But then again Hallmark thinks $4.50 is a reasonable price for a fold...


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Menifee Union School District temporarily yanked Merriam-Webster dictionaries from classroom shelves after an elementary student put the “Oh!” in the “O” section by looking up the definition for “o...


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Former Major League Baseball player and Pomona’s own prodigal son Mark McGwire made a startling confession last week: During his record-breaking season of 70 home runs in 1998—get this—Big Mac says he took ste...



JeffGirod_

Final Word

Writer/director James Cameron’s Avatar has earned more than $1.3 billion dollars in just four weeks in movie ticket sales or, to put it in perspective, roughly $1.2999 billion more than Did You Hear About the Morgans? (You ha...


Final Word

I’ve been on the road for two weeks, traveling the Pacific Northwest, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s this: I should’ve packed more socks and underwear. Security may stop me at the airpo...


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Happy New Year everybody! Here are 10 predictions for 2010:   1. Tiger Woods will continue to bang anything that moves and may actually try to sexually mount the 18th hole at Augusta. Tiger will also win the Masters, U.S....



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Less than a week till New Year’s Day and it’s a time of remembrance, a time of quiet reflection, a time to get stinking drunk on peppermint schnapps, strip down to your undies and streak down the street like Baby&he...


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First, what I like about Christmas (this won’t take long).    I like biting the heads off of sugar cookies shaped like reindeer. Have you ever seen a real-live reindeer in person? It’s all antlers and hoov...


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What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 300 yards.   What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing at 2:30 in the morning? They went out clubbing.   What should Tiger…



JeffGirod_

Final Word

Less than 21 shopping days until Christmas and already I can sense that somebody somewhere is taking advantage of a half-price, two-for-one sale to buy me crap. As sure as a membership to a fruitcake-of-the-month club, it’s c...


Final Word

One of the principles of democracy includes the right to a trial by a jury of one’s peers, which probably sounded like a good idea when it was included in the Bill of Rights in 1789. The problem is a…


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NASCAR has reportedly hired a stuffed shirt named Mike Lynch to be in charge of their “Green Initiative,” according to NASCAR.com, because apparently there are too many blue and red racecars on the track and not eno...



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Break out the bottled water and glow sticks because things have officially turned desperate. Apparently local schools and clinics have started just giving away the vaccine for H1N1 like it’s a CD for 50 free hours of AOL....


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I have a subscription to Men’s Health magazine because, even though I don’t exercise regularly, I like to keep pace with the latest trends in chest waxing. Plus it’s nice to have a monthly reminder mailed dire...


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Mother Nature, WTF? Seriously lady, WTF?   It’s already Halloween and the sun’s still glowing like a Fourth of July sparkler. We’re roasting down here, and that just ain’t right. You know what else...



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Politicians tax things. That’s how we know they’re politicians. (Well, that and the sex scandals, favors for money and near-constant lying, but it’s a short column so let’s stick to the tax stuff.) &nbs...