Past Stories

Final Word

Barack Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize last week—yes, that Nobel Peace Prize—and the resulting groans have been so loud you would’ve thought the Grammys awarded its Best New Artist to Milli Vanilli.   Nobo...


Final Word

Halloween is less than a month away and it’s never too early to start thinking about a costume. “A costume?” you ask. “But I’m all grown up and much too old for Halloween.”   Nonsense! ...


Final Word

In the interest of full disclosure you should know that I recently broke the law, a misdemeanor, but illegal nonetheless. Mistakes were made. Compromising photos were taken, in this case, by a red-light camera at an intersectio...



Final Word

My buddy Bobby Soto put it best: “TV for me, dude, it’s like a dream world of images and sound I turn on and swim through like it was a river full of big and slippery fish. Sometimes one catches…


Final Word

If you want to see a professional football game in person, you’ll have to hump it down to San Diego and sit next to a bunch of fair-weather Chargers fans. (I swear those lightning bolt car stickers get peeled off…


JeffGirod_

Final World

Sure, adolescence can be confusing. But who better to nurture these impressionable young teens and pilot them into blossoming womanhood than a creepy 37-year-old man with limited social skills and no kids of his own?  So wit...



Final Word

I think nationalized health care is a great idea—I really do—as long as somebody else’s country is running it.    Sure, Finland may sound like a long way to travel to get a rash checked out. But any...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

After nearly three months of what he described as “intense” and often “emotional soul-searching,” Brett Favre told the Minnesota Vikings last month that he will remain retired. According to Favre, he doesn’t have enou...


Final Word

Wal-Mart is selling its own version of Girl Scout Cookies and apparently the Girl Scouts aren’t happy about it.   I say “apparently” because, really, who can understand anything a preteen girl says? They...



Final Word

Seven out of 10 children aren’t getting enough vitamin D, which increases their risk for bone and heart problems, according to some journal neither of us has heard of.    That, combined with the fact that most ...


Final Word

State legislators are trying to figure out a way to legalize marijuana in order to . . .   Ha, ha—wait, what was I just talking about? And is anybody else suddenly hungry for Chunky Monkey or some Fiddle Faddle?&hel...


Final Word

Last week marked the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. It was a landmark in human history, the culmination of years of scientific research, technological advancement and dogged determination. Or was it a giant fake? ...



Final Word

Brace yourself because Paula Abdul is—gasp—unhappy.    “She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on,” said Paula’s manager, David Sonenberg, who should immediatel...


Final Word

Most people rank their weddings as one of the happiest days of their lives.   Wearing a tuxedo in 100-degree heat, pretending to know the names of 300 guests (20 of which you may have actually invited), watching the hors&...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Michael Jackson is dead!!? Or did he ascend into heaven on a sequined, moonwalking unicorn? That’s what you may think, judging by the breathless two weeks of wall-to-wall media coverage, the near-constant looping video montag...



Final Word

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez schleps it out to Lake Elsinore on Saturday night to play for one of our minor league baseball teams. What better place to shake off the rust from a drug suspension than the Inland…


Final Word

Brace yourself…   Because President Barack Obama killed — insert overly dramatic gasp here — a fly!    Obama swatted the fly during a televised interview on CNBC at the White House last week, ...


Final Word

Open letter to the Parker resort in Palm Springs, where I am spending the next 10 days for a conference.   Dear Parker resort, You call yourself a five-star luxury resort, a veritable desert oasis, but your hotel rooms do...



FINAL WORD

The California Supreme Court voted to uphold the ban on same-sex marriage and I, for one, can finally sleep soundly knowing a rabid pack of gays won’t break in and try to forcibly marry me or any member of my…


The Final Word

Suck it, Sacramento!   That’s the message California voters sent state legislators during last week’s special election, overwhelmingly rejecting five budget propositions that would’ve raised taxes.  ...


FINAL WORD

Astronaut Mike Massimino recently sent the first Twitter message from space, calling the space shuttle’s launch “awesome!” (Which coincidentally, is also the description he used later to describe his drink of ...



Final Word

It’s fire season, which is another way of saying its idiot season.   Some dimwit somewhere will forget to unplug a hot plate and days later I’ll have to climb up on a ladder and start watering down my roof.&he...


JeffGirod_

Final Word

Swine flu? Really?             My response was probably the same as the rest of you the first time I heard about swine flu: OK, so who had sex with a pig? I mean, c’mon, I love bacon, too, but…


The Final Word

“Hey, dude,” said Orlando. “You want to come over Saturday for the Big Fight?”    “Big fight? Big fight?” I asked. “Cage match or hot oil?”   “No, dude,&rdquo...



The Final Word

Somali pirates vowed to hunt down American ships and kill their sailors, according to the Associated Press.    Someone get me the Somali translation for “BRING IT ON.”   “We will seek out the A...


The Final Word

A friend started telling me about the Angels fan that got in a fight at the stadium, got sucker-punched, hit his head on some stairs and died. I interrupted him before he could ever get started.   “Shaved head, goat...


The Final Word

Another jabbering driver on a cell phone cut me off as I wended my way home after work, but it didn’t matter. Tuesday was fajitas and ice cream sandwich night. The wife had called a few hours earlier from the…



Final Word

There I am, Saturday morning on the 91 Freeway, westbound in Corona, as I start the merge over to the right lane to pick up Route 71.    But what’s this? Traffic? This early?    And that’s when I...